Chapter 2: Bad Boys Prefer Church Girls.
“Wait… so you would have me believe that, as a little kid, you could just up and decide to leave for Midgar? That all boys could?”
“With your parents’ permission, yes.”
“Well… OK, but still, all the boys are leaving town and the adults in that selfsame town are all fine with this? Again, very hard to believe.”
“Look, all kids want to leave their little rinky dink town. That’s just how it works. But you dreamed a little bit bigger than that.”
“Whoops! I meant ‘difficult’. Little Freudian slip there.”
“Uh… I’m just going to forget I heard that. As for the newspaper thing, I would be kind of worried about the state of the country if a newspaper has a ‘soldier of the year’ feature. Because go go, millitary state?”
“So says Mr. ‘I Want To Be Like Sephiroth’.”
“That name needs more h’s. You don’t sound like a bigshot unless people are out of breath after saying your name just once, even if that’s the only thing they said.”
“You seriously said that?! What era do you live in?”
“I blame the media. Good female role models were hard to come by those days, and you could only read so many story with damsels in them before it starts getting into your head. And that’s difficult when you live in a town where your only options as a kid are ‘play outside’ or ‘read something’.”
“Well… granted, since the third option — ‘join soldier’… pardon, ‘SOLDIER’ — came with the ‘leave town’ required.”
“And also, I only asked you to come rescue me when I was in trouble, not put me on a pedestal and carry me around all the time. I can be a big strong girl and still appreciate that kind of support without being looked at as anti-feminist, right?”
“Uh…. OK, fair enough. Man, this turned political all of a sudden.”
“Well, then we’re just going to have to make you famous then, aren’t we?”
“You are not to be denied, are you?”
“Well, you’ve clearly thought of your future, spending money on me rather than setting it aside to give your daughter a future. What’s next? Your wedding fund?”
“Boy, you sure know how to hit below the belt, don’t you?”
“It’s a talent.”
“Or, wait, if I slept next to you, I wouldn’t be able to. That’s how it goes when you’re a horny teenager, right?”
“I… uh, kind of want to continue not knowing what the hell you are talking about, but I can’t lie to myself quite that much.”
“Well, I gotta keep up my ‘smooth operator’ persona.”
“No, you do not.”
“Erm… ‘the weapon shop man upstairs’ has a really unfortunate religious connotation to it, if you catch my drift.”
“I know, right? People might actually think we’re terrorists or something.”
“Touché. Although, to be fair, we aren’t actually aiming to blow up any people.”
“…..”
“That turned dark, didn’t it?”
“Yes, it did.”
“Can we go back to me sleeping next to you again?”
“Yes, please. … wait, no.”
“Make up your mind already.”
“You… you….”
“Well, if you’re going to badmouth everyone, why would anyone actually want to listen to you?”
“What?! That’s so unfair!”
“I’m just talking to them. You want to put that on the same level as me running with you into actual fights to perform acts of sabotage?”
“Well, yes… no… I just liked the idea of getting stuff for free.”
“How to check your status? What is this? Golddiggers Monthly?”
“Well, at least they’re going into healing magic and how to look after others before starting on the weapons and armor stuff. That’s encouraging, at least?”
“Whatever. Can we go now? We have places to be and things to blow up.”
“…..”
“Uh….”
“Ah, youth.”
“BARRET!”
“Hey, I was once young, too. And interested in other things than blowing things up.”
“That is both encouraging and horrifying at the same time.”
“Erm… yeah, I know what a limit gauge is, but that doesn’t mean you just have to sit and take it until it’s done building. How boring would it be to play if that was the case.”
“Sssh. Ixnay on the ourth wall fay.”
“So, what is the ‘limit technique’?”
*shrug*
“Oh, I know. I used my ‘Big Shot’ against that scorpion thing, remember?”
“Big shot? I don’t think I want a limit break like that.”
“White boy rapping. Just what we need; another Slim Shady.”
“Quiet, foo’!”
“Stop that!”
“There ain’t no stoppin’ this fool train we’re on, sucka!”
“And if that didn’t sort ya out, I’ma have to put’cha in the shed.”
“You are the worst rapper ever. And stop laughing, Tifa.”
“I got one right off. Now, let’s focus on number two.”
“…..”
“Gimme that Ether, Tifa. I’mma pour it into my brain.”
“Well, I’m confused now. Is that why you’re here?”
“Huh? Finger!? What the hell?”
“It’s my new favorite sentence.”
“I’m in your mind before you realize it.”
“AAAAAAARGH!”
“Oh, no! The Finger got them too.”
“There’s nothing we can do for them. We must press on.”
“…with our own finger.”
“Stop that!”
“…….”
“Our hero.”
“Fighting for the betterment of the planet.”
“Geh geh geh! Always cheers me up.”
“Your ‘rhythm’ is you being a complete asshole. Can it!”
“Yeah, if you want more people to join Avalance, you gotta be cool and chill. Like me.”
“&$#%!!”
“I’m going to wash your PG-13 approved mouth.”
“Did I get too close?”
“Jeez, I know the Shinra are a bit stuck up and stuff, but this is just ridiculous.”
“Well, either way, let’s just ignore Barret’s narration.”
“Agreed.”
“Hey!”
“Jumping off a speeding train inside a tunnel, huh?”
“Don’t do this at home, kids.”
“Unless you want to be awesome. Like me.”
“BARRET!”
“What?! We gotta get recruits some way or another.”
“Well, you aren’t going to get any if you tell them to jump off a speeding train.”
“That is wrong in so many ways.”
“Barret, to have a plan, you have to make one.”
“And I love how our little screwup just now was somehow part of your plan.”
“And possibly also you acting like a complete ass on the train.”
“OK, I’m just completely winging it. So sue me.”
“Barret, can we stop with the sexual innuendo for just one second? You’re making this mission rather uncomfortable.”
“Don’t hate the playa, hate the game.”
“Well, let’s get squeezing.”
“I thought you’d never ask.”
“Oh, don’t you start too.”
“Whaddya mean ‘tiny hole’, Barret? You can fit your fat ass twice over here.”
“And you’re climing up the ladder first, you weird little man.”
“I don’t want to hear that from you.”
“Rocket launcher? Isn’t that a bit of an overkill?”
“You say that after the big mechanical scorpion?”
“But that thing was cool. It stabbed you in the penis.”
“It’s not easy being me.”
“Thank you, Mr. Named Redshirt Man.”
“Stop saying ominous things like that. My roly-poliness will save me.”
“Oh. I thought it was Barret’s fault for being a foulmouthed asshole.”
“No, it wasn’t. I’ve been an asshole on the train plenty of times, and nothing happened then.”
“Barret, that’s… nothing you should admit.”
“Biggs is gonna pull out.”
“……”
“Nope. No subtext on that.”
“And meet me up at the hideout.”
“Yessir. That secret place. Up there. I seriously need to stop thinking so hard about this.”
“You sure do.”
“Man, all these pipes and ladders leading everywhere. Shinra has no concept of accessibility and convenience. Good thing Jessie taught me how to climb ladders.”
“What the… ‘Smogger’?! What is this? Captain Planet?”
“Yep. Shinra made machines whose sole purpose it is to make smog. Does that make them evil or what?”
“And they’re green too, just for that extra slap in the face.”
“Cloud, what the… are we going to have to go through this every time we blow up a generator? Because I don’t particularly want to get used to being stabbed in the crotch.”
“Nnnng! Tifa, you must… you must not hate.”
“Erm… what?”
“Tifa, is there something you haven’t told us?”
“Uh… no, not that I know? Eheh.”
“Oh. An elevator. Good thing Jessie taught me how to press switches, or I’d be completely lost by now.”
“But I only have five fingers on each hand.”
“Use your toes. YOUR TOES, SUCKA!”
“I’m wearing a skirt — a tight skirt, might I add — so I’m not whipping my legs up like that.”
“That aside, Jessie has a weird fetish about pressing buttons, doesn’t she?”
“For as long as I’ve known her.”
“OK, let’s NOT go that way. It is a silly place.”
“What’s the problem? We’ve already killed far more soldiers than that.”
“True dat.”
“Guys, come on! Let’s see where they’re going with this for once.”
“But if we set the bomb, where’s the countdown?”
“Uh… oops?”
“And why is he calling you a traitor? I’m the one who’s ex-SOLDIER!”
“But more imporantly… BOOM!”
“You name your stuff like a twelve year old boy, Mr. President. Techno-soldier, you say? Does he attack us with techno-weapons too? And you will use our data in your future science experiments.”
“Shut up!”
“No, you shut up!”
“No, YOU shut up!”
“No, you shut up times ten.”
“No, YOU shut up times infinity plus one.”
“Cloud, you’re having far too much fun with this.”
“Yeah, bring on the techno soldier already. I’m itching for a fight.”
“And now its arms spark and we’re done.”
“I am confused. And disappointed.”
“But where is my explosion? I wanted an explosion.”
“It exploded.”
“You OK? Don’t leave us hanging now.”
“Har har. Can you just leave so I can fall in peace?”
“But you’re just one day from retirement.”
“Tifa, are you trying to get me killed.”
“Oh boy, this is a long drop. Am I going to be OK?”
“Quiet, voices in my head. One at a time, please.”
“Yeah, the flowers broke my long, long fall. I’m OK.”
“I was talking to the flowers.”
“Oh.”
“Nah, I was just kidding. But you seem OK, though. I’m glad.”
“You didn’t offer.”
“Damn, I knew I forgot something.”
“Well… do you have a mean boss who expects you to sell flower even under enemy fire? Because things were going down, after all.”
“I’m mostly my own boss, so yeah.”
“You’re weird. And not in a 100% good way.”
“Maybe 99%”
“Uh… let me get back to that later.”
“You have the weirdest way of saying your mother was a good-for-nothing.”
“Yes. I mean no. I mean… wait, that’s what you took out of our conversation?”
“Hey, you’re the one who did the ‘special = good for nothing’ comparison. Anyway, please check your flowers so we can leave. Didn’t mean to land on them with impunity or anything.”
“I’m Cloud, the… uh, soldier. I’m the light and fluffy kind.”
“At least you aren’t named Squall. It’s got ‘Bad Boy Who’s Trying Too Hard’ written all over it.”
“Oh, good one. He’s like ‘I’m such a loose cannon my sword needs a trigger‘.”
“Hee hee.”
“Erm… you’re already…. that was quick. What does it take to get into your heart? ‘Have materia’ and ‘land on your flowers’? You must have the funniest profile on Tinder.”
“Swipe Right and Buy Some Flowers.”
“I bet your picture will look like character introductions on reverse harems: your head and upper body surrounded by flowers.”
“And I’ll photoshop in a little glint on my teeth when I smile too.”
“You do that and wear knight’s armor, and you’ll be a hit with the ladies too.”
“Are you… are you seriously ignoring me here? You go from flowers to Tinder?! Just like that?”
“And we’re back to the flowers again. *sigh* Just… just grab her. ‘Nice Guy’ method’s a bust, so…..”
“Yeah, they always say they’re ‘nice’, but immediately start being grabby when that tactic fails. I see how it is.”
“This job isn’t offering nearly enough daily Phoenix Down.”
“Is he gay?”
“Who knew our boss had such a tender heart.”
“We must support him in his romantic endeavours.”
“I need some Tylenol.”
“What am I? The goddamned gorilla in Donkey Kong now?”
“Stop complaining and roll those barrels down the ladders.”
“Stop complaining. It’s not like the barrels always go where I expect them to. And nobody said anything about all the hedgehog pies up here?”
“Even hedgehogs need to take a dump, you know.”
“Yeah, well, I was the one who was sent up to these barrels of fun.”
“Be brave now.”
“At least I made a nice door for us to go through.”
“And the flowers will get some water the next time it rains. Win win, as they say.”
“Not sure if you’re being sarcastic here, but I’ll take the compliment.”
“Yes. You fall well.”
“The turks? What kind of name is that?”
“Maybe the group was established at thanksgiving? I dunno.”
“Sounds like a very national thing. And they’re so stylish too.”
“Yeah. They’re going places.”
“Are you… coming on to me?”
“You just noticed now? But seriously, your eyes really are glowing. It’s kind of unsettling.”
“That’s mad human experiments for ya.”
“Erm… you’re going home, that’s what.”
“What are you? My dad now?”
“No, but that can be arranged.”
“I… left myself open for that one. My bad.”
“Uh…. OK? I don’t suppose we can just ignore that.”
“That explains the smell.”
“I hope we never meet Number 1.”
“What a drag, you say? I hope that’s not a prophetic statement or anything.”
“I don’t know what they sell in ‘that store in Sector 6’, but I want it.”
“Maybe it’s more Phoenix Down than you’ll ever need.”
“Now THIS is a field of flowers. I could fall on this all day.”
“Don’t you dare!”
“She’s a bit overprotective, isn’t she? Then again, she probably knows you’re being chased by goons who politely refrain from stepping on your flowers.”
“You what?”
“Erm… ignore that, mom. He’s crazy. Just look at his eyes.”
“Ouch!”
“Well, I promised her. Something. I think.”
“Are you one of those guys who promises and forgets?”
“I’d tell you, but… I forgot.”
“You do remember that she’s your girlfriend, though.”
“Yes, because she told me.”
“Uh… OK, I’m a bit creeped out now. And not at you for a change.”
“Ouch!”
“Why? It’s not like we’re trained to attack civilians.”
“No, that’s not what I… you’re a rather innocent lad, aren’t you? You know… despite all the tough guy talk.”
“Hey, I never.”
“Anyway, I’m sorry. I must sound like your mom.”
“Well…. no, not really.”
“Um…. about that…”
“Older woman? Mom, seriously…. I question your ability to figure out what’s ‘best for me’.”
“But aren’t we already in the slums? This whole area below the plate sections is part of the slums, and the most amazing part is that the area above looks no less dark, sterile and depressing than this place.”
“This place needs a new layer of asphalt. You can’t drive on these roads.”
“We’re… a bit low on the priority list. Last I heard, our request for the restoration of this road was turned down for the sake of the annual ‘monthly party for the rich and famous’. Something about a carpet made of gold strands.”
“And in the meantime, even the houses down here are so upset at the lack of maintenance that they have taken to the street to terrorize its inhabitants.”
“How does a house ‘suicide drop’ anyway? Does it bring the roof down?”
“Must be one hell of a party.”
“The crane I can understand, but what’s with the giant hand?”
“Well, when you ask for a hand…”
“You have got to be kidding.”
“Nope. We asked for a hand, and somehow, an irony-loving asshole was the one who got tasked with… well, take a wild guess.”
“Shinra has never been fond of providing handouts.”
“I can’t believe they eat the whole thing.”
“And depending on the size and shape of whatever it is they’re eating, they often end up looking kind of hilarious afterwards.”
“In a rather grim way. Although I will admit I would love to see a Barret-shaped one.”
“A what now?”
“You’ll… you’ll see.”
“No, but seriously… there are suicidal houses out there. That is a concept that goes beyond insanity if you ask me. I really wondered how many drugs I was doing for a second when we faced one.”
“Sure. Got any flowers I can land on?”
“I’m afraid not — this is a playground, after all. But I know something we can sit on.”
“Ohoho, do tell.”
“…oh.”
“You sound disappointed.”
“It’s nothing. Anyway, what were we talking about? Your EX? I was wondering what your mom was going on about.”
“Mooooom.”
“Having escaped the clutches of Shinra and the Turks, our two friends consider their next move as they walk from slum to slum. With the weird road filled with suicidal houses behind them, all the weirdness is over and done with, right?”
“….right?!”
“SHE looked kind of odd? What about the wagon? And wait… you know her?”
“Uh… yes, I’ve… heard about her. She’s got pretty huge… um, eyes, doesn’t she?”
“I was almost expecting ‘huge tracts of land’ from you.”
“Yeah, no, that joke is getting kind of old. Besides, it’s not like her boobs will create controversy if they ever decide to retell our story, right?”
“Nah, don’t be silly. People can’t be that hard to please, right?”
“Well, anyway… let’s follow them.”
“Yep. She’s my girlfriend, after all. I’m gonna do all I can to save her.”
“And I shall hold you to that.”