Chapter 19: That’s My Kind of Boarding School.
“The part that makes me think SALTZA sounds like a good idea. The part that….”
“I understand, Cloud.”
“The part that tells me using swords bigger than myself is a good idea. The part that….”
“I get it.”
“The part that can’t stop with the hair gel. The part that….”
“Cloud, stop!”
“So… you’re giving us many understandable reasons why you shouldn’t go… before telling us that you’re going to go.”
“Yes.”
“OK, I just wanted to establish that.”
“You don’t need to go, Cloud. But you totally should.”
“Yes, let’s all hop on the contradiction train.”
“I didn’t finish the sentence.”
“You didn’t have to. You were going to ask us to jam your giant sword up your butthole if you went crazy again, didn’t you?”
“Yikes! Uh, yes and no. Yes on the ‘if I started acting crazy again’, but no on the sword.”
“You wanted us to shove a hedgehog up your bum?”
“Ew, no. Also, why would you be that mean to a hedgehog?”
“You want us to put our foot up your ass?”
“NO! What is it with you and shoving stuff up my butt?”
“I plead the fifth.”
“I blame Hojo.”
“Well, I’m entertained.”
“One wanted to see me in a dress, and one wanted to shove stuff up my bum. So… what’s your boggle?”
“I… plead the fifth.”
“Suddenly, having an underage, materia-filching future wife doesn’t seem so bad.”
“So, let’s roll before my sentences fall even more to pieces.”
“10-4.”
“That’s a lotta pieces.”
“Cloud, we’ve barely taken our first steps, and you’re already started taking mental GPS suggestions from Mr. Selfielots.”
“I can’t… resist the… blue text.”
“Zo, who wantz zhe viper?”
“It’s a halberd. That’s a grandpa weapon right there.”
“Well, I’d be the first to crow about the awesomeness of polearms, but you do know that polearms in general made it easier for women to choose the path of the warrior, right?”
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you from how lefty and righty were laughing at you.”
“Jeez, Tifa, did Aeris bite you in the ass at some point? You seem to have caught her severe case of ‘random assholiosis’ somehow.”
“Oh, it’s the nut-throwing squirrels.”
“Well, I know what I’ll be punching.”
“Up their butts?”
“There are times where I feel like we should have taken the elevator instead of taking the stairs. Yes, we’d have to fight more, but I bet we could still have saved some time.”
“Um….”
“This house has seen better days.”
“This must be the slums of the ancient lands.”
“Wonder what the train station looks like. Maybe like that weird yo-yo station where we saw the little bird nest?”
“You know, when I started this journey, I never expected having to do the Van Damme method of climbing, and with y’all on my back too. I though at least you could do your own climbing, Tifa. And Red could probably easily make the jumps whenever he felt like it.”
“I am not standing spreadeagle like that while wearing a skirt, thank you very much!”
“Sure, I could, but this is much more fun.”
“Well, I’ma use this crown to hypnotize you all to drag your own asses up these cracks.”
“I’ma drag your underpants up your crack if you don’t stop complaining.”
“Yyyyeah, definitely ‘random assholiosis’ talking there.”
“Do we already have one of these?”
“Maybe? Should I look back through our history together to check?”
“Yes. Would you?”
“And now it’s an ass-off.”
“Well, who’s got the most to lose?”
“……..”
“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”
“What the heck is that?!”
“Some salty chocolate balls?”
“……..”
“Whaaaat?!”
“I don’t ever want to hear you utter the word ‘salty chocolate balls’ ever again!”
“…..uh, oops. My balls…BAD! My bad!”
“You’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you?”
“Erm… I plead the fifth?”
“Do you even know what that means?”
“Nah! I just heard you guys use it as a ‘get out of jail free’ card.”
“Touché, I guess.”
“Oh, this conch is occupied.”
“And the resident is angry.”
“Let’s just slowly back away, because I’m not really into what this guy is offering.”
“Uh….”
“I know we just reached the cold region, but do we really have to kill that adorable bunny?”
“Nah, we can run away.”
“……well, I know where I’m going to shove that carrot.”
“And we’re back to the butts again.”
“So… who’s up for walking on the edge?”
“To be honest, I’m up for standing in front of a fire for an hour or two.”
“I know I got a nice coat of fur and all, but yes, this is a bit much.”
“Smack? He must’ve had quite the dream.”
“It’s medicinal smack. That makes all the difference.”
“He’s also glad we came.”
“Clearly, we can get a lot of mileage out of this place.”
“Yes, clearly it’s much better to just keep him locked up inside his room. That way he’ll be safe forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and-”
“Yes, we get the point.”
“Oh, what’s this? Well… beyond being a map, I mean.”
“It’s a MA-..oh, you spoilsport.”
“We’re going places, so maybe we should get ourselves a copy of this?”
“Do you think the people in this town would have any issues with us picking it straight off the wall, though?”
“Uh… I guess not.”
“Yes, we are the STRONG ones.”
“The STRONGness is inside all of us.”
“My arm is STRONG!”
“……”
“WHAT?!”
“Are you doing this on purpose? You are SO doing this on purpose.”
“Not this time!”
“…..”
“Erm… I mean… not at all.”
“……”
“Well, he couldn’t possibly have known.”
“Do these people not know that they have kind of an open cave leading straight to the ancient lands nearby? Yeah, you have to do the spreadeagle to get there, but it can be done.”
“….say all the people who rode on my back.”
“I was about to say something about backwater towns, but Shinra has actually been very good at keeping all of this under wraps. I mean… I worked for them for so long, and I didn’t know any of this.”
“Grandpa knew, I think.”
“Well, he has all of the universe in his loft room.”
“Yeah, what an idiot, wanting to warm up with a nice bath in this frozen hellhole.”
“You anti-hotspring philistine!”
“OK, so… we are in the home of Dr. Gast? I wonder if he takes his security seriously.”
“If we’re just able to enter like this, I’d say no.”
“And why does he have a section called ‘don’t watch’?”
“That’s gotta be some creepypasta, just you wait.”
“You’re going to watch it, aren’t you?”
“But of course.”
“Wow, she looks a lot like Aeris, doesn’t she?”
“Yeah, except older.”
“And sexier.”
“…….”
“What?!”
“Well… actually, I kind of agree.”
“I’m not sure I understand human standards of sexiness.”
“It’s just… I dunno, she looks like an actual adult, and Aeris never really caught on to the fact that the allure of an adult isn’t all about boob size or butt size or whatever.”
“Oh, sure, give me crap over my comment, but then go and agree with me.”
“But more importantly, why would a place be named in a way that makes it sound like it’s called ‘Know Less Pole’?”
“Sounds like a strip club.”
“……”
“What?!”
“Yeah, that’s Aeris’s mom, alright.”
“Were they all high on Michael Jackson’s ‘Heal the World’?”
“‘Talking With The Planet’ sounds like it’d be an interesting TV show, though. Or a really weird one.”
“Or a really boring one. Jeez, you kids today….”
“A conversation with a planet sounds like a pretty one-sided affair, though.”
“Talk to the hand, ’cause the planet ain’t listening.”
“Ifalna, planet whisperer.”
“And now I have a mental image of Aeris and her family dressed up as farmers and using farming equipment on the planet energy streams… however that would look like.”
“The planet spoke back.”
“And it said ‘We don’t take kindly to your kind around here’.”
“….well, that turned sinister real quick.”
“Did it also spin its head a full 360 and vomit on you?”
“…..uh..”
“They all got… THE VIRUS!”
“The ancient tribe was hit by a disease… or a computer virus infestation.”
“Maybe they were more high-tech than we expected, and didn’t want to share, because… well, look at Shinra.”
“What is a weapon? Well, it’s very self-explanatory, isn’t it?”
“But what is weapon?”
“It would be kind of interesting if this WEAPON is made not to kill anyone or anything, but that’s not the case, is it?”
“And Jenova is Sephiroth’s mother. Well… to an extent. Oh dear lord, his attitude makes so much sense now.”
“I’m actually rather surprised he was so nice to begin with.”
“Well, that was before… THE LIBRARY! I call it ‘the Library Incident’.”
“See? Reading is hazardous.”
“Uh…. no. No, it isn’t.”
“That’s encouraging, at least.”
“Although it’s kind of sinister that we’re hearing about this now.”
“The planet isn’t wielding, but it’s still packing.”
“THE PLANET IS WATCHING!”
“That is the best argument for enviromentalism I’ve ever heard. Or the worst one.”
“I think Midgar is the best argument for enviromentalism, except Shinra kind of wore everyone down so much that they didn’t have the will and the energy to do something about it.”
“Yes, that is quite enough for one day.”
“Pfft, you kids today. I could listen to all of this and still come back for more.”
“That’s only because your skin is made of treated leather.”
“Daughter’s record. Well… I guess we’ll get to see Aeris again.”
“……”
“I am very sorry for saying that.”
“You should be. She was an asshole just about all the time, but I miss her already.”
“He’s doing what?”
“Recording a sleeping baby. All the better to guilt-trip them later when they’re being difficult, I guess.”
“Here, Aeris. This is what good babies sound like.”
“And that’s the least creepy alternative.”
“Now with video.”
“Babies are cute, right?”
“Only if they’re yours. Or mine, because kittens.”
“Is that why you didn’t want to mate with Tifa?”
“I don’t think this world is ready for catgirls yet.”
“Wow. Ifalna says Aeris is different from other children, but Hojo kept calling her inferior.”
“You’d almost think that Hojo’s standards are full of crap or something. And yes, I feel weird trying to make the girl who complained about me showing off all the time sound good.”
“Wow, I never thought I’d ever be glad for an interruption.”
“Yeah, I wouldn’t want to delve into their own private porn collection.”
“……”
“Waaaait a second.”
“Oh dear lord, he’s airquoting ‘private time’. And he was gonna film it. How could any interruption make this situation any worse?”
“……”
“And you got the answer to your question. Are you happy now?”
“No! No, I’m not!”
“Gast, he brought soldiers. You know he’s not going to take no for an answer, even if he’s hoping.”
“Dr. Hojo and Sample Girl. That’s a comic I… would not read.”
“Yes, I would trust anyone who calls someone else a sample with the future of the planet. Wouldn’t you?”
“No!”
“I totally don’t care, man.”
“Of course.”
“Ah, Dr. Hojo is just a patent thief. Figures.”
“I guess he’s just a pioneer when it comes to private porn collections.”
“I’m so glad we all got away. Uh… technically.”
“Yeah, but we kind of have to go into the cold wastelands to find the sacred hotspring.”
“And we love trouble. In fact, make it double.”
“THROW ALL THE BALLS!”
“……”
“Sorry. Our infohunting session did things to me. Terrible, terrible things.”
“Don’t worry, man. I hear ya. Anything with Hojo in it is certain to leave marks.”
“Do you need a few minutes to catch yourself?”
“I DON’T NEED YOUR PITY!”
“No, seriously. We don’t hate you guys or anything. It’s just… I don’t even know why we fight.”
“Yeah. If not for Rufus being a bit of a problem, I would’ve been more than happy to work with you guys.”
“STOP BEING NICE!”
“Um… why?”
“Well, because… um… see, you can’t… er…. STOP ASKING DIFFICULT QUESTIONS!”
“Because we’re Shinra. We can’t be nice to ex-Shinra people. That would go against company policy.”
“Oh, right.”
“Isn’t dealing with Sephiroth more important right now, though?”
“I guess?”
“But they aren’t Shinra.”
“STOP CONFUSING ME!”
“Sorry.”
“Wasn’t me.”
“Me neither.”
“Ne meither.”
“I was busy serving GODDAMNED TEA!”
“I don’t go after people who don’t have materia.”
“I was in a coffin.”
“He was covered in sword slices, wasn’t he? Does it look like I wield swords?”
“Hey!”
“Look, I know we entered the place right before you probably found him all sliced up, but really… we didn’t do it.”
“Um…”
“Are you sure that’s OK?”
“Yes, I believe I’ve made my point.”
“Did that kid honestly think that his leg would never heal?”
“Well, we should give the kid his board back after we are done using it.”
“Yes, that would be the right thing to do.”
“Because we are good people and not thieves.”
“This is gonna be so rad!”
“This is so not rad!”
“Oh, shaddup!”
“What’s up with the balloons?”
“Maybe they’re rad indicators and I have to catch as many of them as I can to maximize my rad rating.”
“Or what? They will drop the nuke?”
“Not that kind of rad.”
“WHEN CHRISTMAS ATTACKS!”
“Can we not pass through this wall of trees?”
“Not at 70 km/h. And certainly not at ZERO ANYTHING PER ANY TIME DENOMINATION!”
“Well, would a foot in your ass help you get moving?”
“It might. Especially yours.”
“…are you trying to out-creep Hojo?”
“Maybe?”
“Well, you’re doomed to fail, but… nice try.”
“Love you too.”
“Is it weird that I’m actually enjoying this, despite the fact that I never expected this to be a part of our journey?”
“Nope. I’m enjoying this too.”
“Well, now I’m imagining you surfing down on this snowboard too, and it is the most adorable thing I have ever imagined.”
“And through we surf down the valley of choices, I ask: do we take the left turn or the right turn.”
“Are we getting political now?”
“Uh… no. If we don’t make a decision very soon, I’ll be split down the middle. Very, very literally.”
“Uh… and now we’re in a cave lit by lots of torches. Good lord, the people in the town up there are really spoiling their kids.”
“They must be really upset now that the kid twisted his ankle and can’t play in this ridiculously elaborate snowboard track with a branching course and visual themes. Who has that much time on their hands?”
“OH MY GOOOoooo….*”
“As our heroes are launched into the white unknown, one question fills everyone’s heads.”
“Yes, I’m alright… mostly. But wow, these people must really hate their kids.”
“I’m never riding on your back again.”
“If that’s a promise, at least something good came out of this.”