Chapter 18: The Stab That Shook The World.
“Whaddya mean ‘don’t worry about it’?! You’re back at that weird glowy forest we left behind some short while ago.”
“Yes, but I’m going to go save the world.”
“And you separated yourself from the main group. Do you even realize what an ill omen that is?”
“Eh, it’ll be fine. But if it concerns you that much….”
“Stop talking like that! If you don’t want me to have a breakdown, don’t leave without saying a word! Who taught you public relations, lady? Shinra?”
“Well… yes, mostly.”
“….touché.”
“Well, I’m going to prove you wrong, just you wait.”
“But you are not special. How could people like you ever accomplish anything?!”
“I have no idea. I’m not even sure how it makes any sense that a sleeping forest can keep us from going in a straight line, and only when waking it up with a harp can we walk through it.”
“That’s how the special ones work. We don’t have to make sense, because you all will love us anyway.”
“Grr, curses! Foiled again.”
“DEATH FLAG! That is definitely a definite death flag. Definitely.”
“Nah, it’ll be fine. Stop being a worrier and start being a warrior.”
“But I’m a SOLDIER!”
“You better soldier on, then.”
“Urgh! You just had to.”
“We, you say? Who is this ‘we’?”
“Oh, you’ll see, little man. And it’s not going to be much fun for you.”
“You’re enjoying the numerous death flags, aren’t you?”
“Guilty as charged.”
“Yeah, I know. I… talked with her in a dream. Well… nightmare.”
“Uh….”
“And you call me a weirdo.”
“You are. And I’m giving dreams a free pass, because they can get plenty weird.”
“That’s what she said, anyway. And she told me not to worry, then told me to worry, then told me that she had to do this alone, then told me how to get through the forest.”
“She’s… giving off some mixed signals, isn’t she?”
“Yes, I’m… still digesting.”
“Just… because I don’t necessarily like blowing up stuff….”
“But you passed on the black stone that a fuzzy mascot gave its life for. Do you feel no shame?”
“I might have, but you had to turn that weird, didn’t you?”
“Desire to do something reduced.”
“H-hey, that was supposed to be my moment of cool.”
“You’re a dad. You can never be cool again.”
“Urgh! Curse you, laws of the universe.”
“Ah, yes, verbal abuse. It always works.”
“Yes, it does. Did me a world of good, let me tell ya.”
“Well, it sure explains a lot. Like how you turn to explosions for your therapy.”
“Well, for starters, how about you come with us to the Ancient lands?”
“And if Sephiroth takes control of me again?”
“We’ll cheer on you.”
“Uh…..”
“Can you please stop talking like that around me, you jerks?!”
“Yes, let us all believe in Him.”
“He shall show us the way.”
“This… this is not helping.”
“I mean… X marks the spot, and now I have it in a bottle. Be afraid. Be very afraid.”
“Are you the chicken man? The Boc Boc Man?!”
“So, we’re really doing this, huh?”
“Booooc boc boc boc.”
“You have no idea how silly you look when doing the chicken arm movement with your gun hand.”
“Is that a trick question?”
“Only if you want it to be.”
“This is just payback from that moment after you woke up, isn’t it?”
“Only the wind knows.”
“Well, he’s back to normal, and that’s good enough for me.”
“I’d question your version of ‘normal’, but we don’t have time.”
“Well, I guess we’re leaving the exploded-out little village, then?”
“The town next to the blown-up generator. At least it’s near water?”
“Yeah, I’m rather surprised they didn’t build it up in the Hostile Mountains.”
“Yeah, they don’t call them ‘peaks’ like normal mountains, but ‘gore spikes’.”
“They looked like Madonna’s bra closet. And boy, was it funny to see you use the word ‘peaks’.”
“Are you trying to cover up for Aeris now?”
“….maybe.”
“That’s my job. I think.”
“And to our left we see the most depressing place in the world.”
“I can’t believe I lived there.”
“Big city lights can be blinding, but you can see where they dug out the lights.”
“Man, that was deep and almost certainly not pretentious, dude.”
“Oh, shaddup! If they’d only use coal like the rest of the world were until Shinra came around.”
“That’s… not exactly putting a positive spin on things. I mean… yeah, digging Mako energy up from the ground clearly has a bad effect on the surroundings, but if they’d all been getting their energy from coal, we wouldn’t even see the city, I bet.”
“And we return to Ribcage City, right at the edge of the sleeping forest.”
“It’s not sleeping, it’s gotta be dead.”
“Or very heavily anorexic.”
“That’s no joking matter, chief.”
“They’re not fans of the ribbing?”
“Good thing Sephiroth didn’t think of having it dug up. I mean… that would make it impossible for us to enter, and nobody could ever foil his plans.”
“He’s probably just really poor at asking for help, and that’s why he hasn’t been able to do it.”
“That makes sense, and also makes me very sad.”
“Probably also the reason why he’s more into controlling people than reaching out. He just needs some love.”
“Well, I can’t argue against that, cheesy as it is. I mean… we all remember who his father is, right?”
“Press square to make sense.”
“Press square to hug.”
“Every game should have a dedicated hug button.”
“Especially Spec Op’s: The Line.”
“Oh good Lord, yes!”
“Science.”
“Fun and educational. You wouldn’t think we are on our way to tragedy.”
“Nope.”
“Got it. And when we meet Aeris, you better believe I’m going to harp on and on about her little disappearing act. She’ll never hear the end of it if I have anything to say about it. And I will have. Lots and lots and lots.”
“Yeah, sure. Tell us all about it later. We got a city to reach.”
“Um… yes and no. Hopefully in that order.”
“Next, on ‘psychic hotline’….”
“So, it’ll start growing again? How does a tree sleep anyway?”
“If a tree snores in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, is it really alive?”
“Um… can I use a lifeline?”
“….yes. Yes, you can. God knows you can use all the help you can get.”
“How mean.”
“I can see the light at the end of this forest.”
“Make sure it’s not the train. Look down; if the tracks are there, step to the side. Quickly!”
“That’s advice that saves lives.”
“We have received a water ring. The dreaded dehydration monster is powerless against us.”
“I hope taking this ring won’t have any adverse effects on this place.”
“Given what it looks like now, I can’t see how.”
“We’re fighting what?!”
“Malldancers, it seems.”
“Sounds like an exciting job.”
“Well, we would have had to fight them if not for this Hungry here, who just sauntered in and ate the hell out of them all, mid-dance step.”
“I feel like this is a bad comedy act in more ways than one.”
“But look how happy that thing is.”
“And probably still hungry too.”
“Well, I think I can share a knuckle sandwich or two.”
“Through the teeth and past the gums, look out… whatever the hell this place is supposed to be.”
“It would have been ‘through the teeth’ if that thing actually had any. It didn’t, and now I’m disappointed.”
“….yes, of course this would be a weird city on top of whatever that thing was. We coulda gotten here easily if we had… you know, an airship.”
“And this road is all forked up too. We have to decide and stuff.”
“The ancients have a very… avant garde style when it comes to housing.”
“Darling it’s better down where it’s wetter?”
“Put me in a bowl and serve me, if this isn’t the prettiest little place I have seen…”
“Well, this place is spiraling out of control.”
“There’s a fish at the bottom and a comet materia at the top of this spiral. You can say what you want about the ancients, but they sure know how to throw wicked parties.”
“Hmm, yeah, the sea motif is rather absurd. Did the ancients prefer to live in dried-out lakes, or did they learn the secret of breathing underwater?”
“And did this chest guard the source of… guard?”
“But who guards the guarderer? Guardception!”
“On the contrary, I do believe there’s more than one bed here.”
“Well, excuuuuuuse me, Sherlock. Maybe you would like the one that’s ‘just right’, too?”
“I would like the one with the fluffiest pillows.”
“…..”
“Um….”
“Yeah, no, I’m not walking into that one. It’s almost like you’re setting us up here.”
“Erm… that was… by accident. Really.”
“Well, I did say he went on and on about her being a nuisance, right? You know, in that weirdass dream I had?”
“Yeah, but… dream. You know….”
“Wow. ‘Are you sick?’ That’s harsh, kitty.”
“Well, he’s ‘feeling it’, whatever that means.”
“Look, I got experimented on, OK?”
“And I just found the softest bed too. Sephiroth is going to pay for this.”
“That fiend. He just doesn’t realize how difficult it is to find a dry, soft bed in this dried-out wasteland of a once underwater city. People who think everything is better where it’s whetter clearly haven’t rested on a nice down pillow.”
“I love this main hall. It’s all ‘You took the wrong way in here, and now you have to walk the long way around mouhahahahaha!‘ ”
“Eh, I could make the jump.”
“Yeah, well, you got a leg up on all of us. Or two legs.”
“I can’t help it if I’m not leg-impaired.”
“But we all have legs that come in pairs.”
“I’ve been disarmed in the past, though.”
“And didn’t you choose the most literally direct way of correcting that or what?”
“Yes, there. The place where we just were. And the middle road didn’t work. One should think that going either left or right would, though, but nope.”
“When I take over, I’m going to demand straighter roads.”
“Yes.”
“……”
“Wait, what?!”
“Hey, anything ‘not Shinra’ is fine with me.”
“How far we have fallen.”
“Interesting choice of words.”
“Two seahorses with their backs turned? Perfect opportunity to whip out the big gun.”
“Uh….”
“I think a dolphin punch would be more appropriate, but let’s see this.”
“Did… did a black hole just fart out a giant dragon?”
“This is just getting better by the second.”
“Seconds is probably also the perfect description of how long this is going to last.”
“Bahamut and his spirit bomb attack.”
“Brace for impact.”
“Well, that was needlessly brutal, but at least we seem to have found our route.”
“Gotta be brutal to be efficient.”
“Not necessarily, but this is hardly the time to start an argument.”
“Speak to me, magical clam.”
“Magical clam, Magical Clam, turn turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn.”
“And the answer is… ‘Aurora armlet’.”
“Not sure what I should take from that, but OK.”
“Oh! The magical fish is gone and now there’s a stairway here instead.”
“But of course. We should have realized this right away.”
“Hold tight, because things are about to get cramped.”
“Uh… or not.”
“Don’t look down!”
“Sheesh, I don’t know why rabbit holes get all the attention when it comes to hidden depths. Clearly, nobody has heard of the holographic fish pool.”
“Aeris, we finally found you… at the bottom of this… whatever the hell it is.”
“…..”
“Hey, Aeris. Hey! Hey! Hey! Aeris, hey!”
“Quiet! I’m trying to concentrate here.”
“Well, then, you’re going to love this.”
“Uh…. Cloud?”
“I’m sorry. Am I breaking your concentration?”
“Yes, and how.”
“I don’t see how, Aeris. You’ve seen me do this before.”
“Ugh, is that how you planned on ‘stopping’ me? I was imagining a more hands-on approach here, you assholes.”
“No, no. We believe in you, Cloud.”
“You can do it.”
“Uuurgh! I don’t believe this.”
“Me neither, to be honest.”
*sigh* “Once again, if you want something done, you have to do it yourself. I guess it’s time I dropped by and took a stab at it.”
“….please don’t tell me…”
“Don’t look down, chaps!”
“No, no, no, no. This is not how this is going to end.”
“There we go. Drop and stabbing completed.”
*cough* “It’s… the death by pun that… *cough* …that stings the most.”
“Urgh! Just… look at that smugness.”
“I’ve never wanted anyone as dead as I do right now.”
“Maybe we should reconsider our ‘standing around doing nothing’ stance here? And…. you know, attack Sephiroth?”
“If it ain’t broken…”
“SHE IS BROKEN!”
“I mean… I’ve killed plenty of people, but this wasn’t supposed to happen.”
“Oh yeah, who’s your daddy?! I did it, mother. I killed a main character, and no amount of phoenix down can save this situation.”
“Do not worry, says the guy who wants to ram a meteor into the planet.”
“Well, you are all traitors and deserve it. But don’t worry, you’ll all be a part of the Planet’s energy.”
“I swear… even if I do get absorbed into the lifestream, I’m still going to punch you in the balls when you try to absorb me. And stop standing around like you’re some kind of rock star, because you’re not!”
“You’re just jelly at my superior intellect.”
“You keep moving your mouthflaps, but it doesn’t mean a thing. So shut your mouthflaps.”
“My mouthflaps are better than your mouthflaps. You don’t get to tell me what to do.”
“No, you!”
“No, YOU!”
“No, you you you you you!”
“No, you times infinity!”
“No, you times infinity plus one!”
“We’re screwed, aren’t we?”
“….yes. Yes, we are.”
“I dunno… laugh? Cry? Get bombed?”
“I WASN’T LOOKING FOR ADVICE!”
“Of course you are. Because I said so.”
“And just as you think you couldn’t possibly hate any more….”
“I can make improvements to anyone.”
“RRRRRRRGH!”
“This searing, agonizing feeling of wanting to strangle someone.”
“Well, I was trying to make you do that, but your stupid friends just had to interrupt, didn’t they?”
“Can’t… contain… hatred. Must… must explode… violently.”
“I long for death.”
“But you haven’t entertained me enough yet.”
“Preferably yours.”
“And for the love of God, SHUT! UP! I never asked anyone to see how far my anger can take me.”
“In fact, you can just stop acting like any of this is my fault, because clearly you all need help looking after yourselves.”
“I’m starting to envy Aeris for being dead!”
“I’m actually kind of glad you didn’t finish that sentence. Because hoo boy.”
“It’s over. Finally.”
“You can never underestimate psychological warfare. Or trolls.”
“Or trolls doing psychological warfare.”
“If only Sephiroth’s endless blathering was as easy to deal with as the fleshy chunks of his mom.”
“…..”
“Just saying that makes me feel irritated again.”
“Yes, it would have to end on that note, wouldn’t it? And I’d love to just dismiss it as BS, but Sephiroth has controlled me like a puppet, and… just… hrglbh!”
“You’re more like… a puppy. A cute, adorable puppy. Yes yes.”
“That… doesn’t make me feel any better.”
“OK, I’ve stopped being angry. Now I’m just sad.”
“So… what do we do now?”
“Trust Sephiroth to put us in this awkward situation. I’m sad and I have no idea what to do.”
“We should bury her.”
“Did we bring any shovels?”
“I don’t think so. And most of the areas here are made of stone or shells anyway.”
“Yeah, sure, just leave and… uh, leave… all the heavy lifting to me.”
“You should be glad Aeris is dead, or she’d wallop you a big one for calling her heavy.”
“Oh, and what would she do about it? Limit break heal me to death?”
“Interesting choice of words. And why are you walking into the water?”
“Well, we gotta create our immortal memories somehow.”
“Or play ‘will it float?’, maybe?”
“I… plead the fifth.”
“Farewell, mysterious flower girl who made me feel many, many things… that Sephiroth tried drowning out with his meteor-impact-level trolling.”
“Sink deep, deep into the waist-deep lake.”
“Aeris’s final resting place, Lake Plot Hole.”
“Alas, who would think that we would have a main character for whom Phoenix Down wouldn’t work anymore. But no, she’s gone, and you won’t get her back. Certainly, this is a moment that people remember, and I’m totally not bitter because this is a happening that has been used in games before Final Fantasy VII. But enough about that; how are our heroes handling all this?”
“No idea. I already know all of this.”
“I wanted to be like… like my hero… my… hero….” *sob*
“Oh, Cloud.”
“I wanted to be… I wanted… I want… to shove my big, bastard sword down his gullet.”
“Therapy isn’t always playing nice.”
“Oh, you don’t know the half of it. Literally.”
“Um… OK?”
“KILL HIM! CUT HIM! CRUSH HIM! BITE HIM IN THE ASS!”
“Sure, but I’m not doing that last thing.”