Chapter 17: Puppet Power.
“We all have to let go sometime. They grow up so fast.”
“Heck are you talking about? You’re just a kid yourself, you know.”
“With a mom that had some…. problems letting go. She wanted me to marry a second mom, basically.”
“Yikes! I’m… *cough* …sorry — and somewhat unnerved — hearing that. But more importantly…”
“You’ll cry, you’re gonna cry, you always cry. See? You’re crying!”
“Don’t… *cough* …don’t compare me to my lesser siblings, fool!”
“You’re… not listening, are you?”
“I am, but we have a job to do, and not enough time to do it. Time and place and all that.”
“Well, excuuuuuuse me, Princess.”
“And we’re back to the crossdressing again, aren’t we?”
“Did I… *cough* …miss something?”
“No.”
“Oh, you have no idea.”
“Damn it, it spilled, whatever this is.”
“Purple, glowing gunk? This isn’t going to make us sick, right?”
“Hey, be more respectful to the awesome power of the ancients, you heretic.”
“I have a headache.”
“Uh… OK? Where did that come from.”
“We’ve had some rough times lately, but that’s no reason to turn back now.”
“I… never said we had to.”
“If we pool our strength together, we can overcome this trial.”
“Yes, that is the general idea here.”
“I believe in us.”
“That’s nice.”
“Now I have a headache too.”
“Erm… why would it?”
“I dunno.”
“Getting nostalgic over a sound of something being sealed. Of all the things to wax poetic about.”
“It’s all in the mind.”
“The source of all our mindfulness.”
“I’m glad you all got that off your chest.”
“Or out of it.”
“We’ve cornered the Nyum Nyum guy… person…”
“So… now what?”
“Whaddya mean ‘away from the planet’? They’re right here, aren’t they?”
“No, no, their planet.”
“Oh. Uh… wow. No wonder they don’t speak the language.”
“So… is there any reason we disturbed this guy, then?”
“I need to ask him some questions.”
“Are you fluent in Nyum Nyum, then?”
“Nope, but I can understand his mind.”
“That’s… mildly creepy.”
“I’m guessing ‘something else’.”
“Like a bunch of armed maniacs chasing him down.”
“Oh, shut up! It’s not like you have to keep your weaponry at the ready.”
“In this place? Oh, yes, we do.”
“Oh, fine. Just… stand back and let me do my thing.”
“Let the mind-probing begin.”
“I can’t do that!”
“Yay, more weaponry.”
“Rocket punch?! I like the sound of that.”
“It was made for you.”
“I can use the rifle. And for more than just shooting werewolves.”
“I find it kind of amusing that a transforming person is talking about shooting other people like them.”
“Hey, you can’t trust werewolves.”
“Must be a vampire thing.”
“I’m not a vampire.”
“But you sure like acting like one.”
“Um…”
“That’s what she said.”
“Oh, no, you di’int. And besides, that’s the last thing a woman would want a man to do.”
“Yikes! Aren’t we being all risque and stuff.”
“And of course it had to be a ‘that’s what she said’ joke on top of it all. Anyway, get your ass over here right now. You just gotta see this.”
“Oh, we’re back to this again.”
“Quiet, I can’t hear the voices.”
“Uh….”
“Did you have us come over just so you could tell us to be quiet?”
“I was hoping you’d find this impressive.”
“Uh… Aeris, we can summon demigods to unleash elemental storms on our enemies. You doing that weird ‘talking to yourself’ bit isn’t really all that remarkable, even if you’re standing behind a giant pillar of light, waving your arms dramatically.”
“You just don’t like good storytelling, you philistines.”
“Show you? How does that help us?”
“Uh…. OK.”
“So… are you impressed yet?”
“More like creeped out.”
“Close enough.”
“As long as you’re enjoying yourself.”
“Well, no. Because ‘becoming one with the planet’ sounds like something only insane lunatics would say.”
“You just lack vision.”
“Yes, indeed. If I have to listen to your pretentious stupidity any longer, I really will go blind.”
“And now I want to make sure I go blind with the help of your giant sword.”
“But that’s not fun at all.”
“You’re so right about that.”
“This has to stop!”
“I feel like I heard something I wasn’t meant to, and not because Sephiroth either does or does not want us to be a part of all this… in so many ways.”
“Well, we’re on our way to the room with the pictures on the walls.”
“Well, at least until someone made us watch her speak to a pillar of light.”
“Well, I’m sorry, but I had to answer that call.”
“You sure did.”
“….uh.”
“Well, thank God we didn’t need to go into room nine. We’d have to wait for eleven hours.”
“Or 25 minutes.”
“The hour arm should be over at 11 by that time, though.”
“But if we run to the middle now, we can stand there for 25 minutes and try our hardest not to think about how steep that drop is.”
“NOW IS THE TIME!”
“Princess guard… that’s for Cloud.”
“Gnnnh NO! Never again! Never again never again never again.”
“OK, now even I’m feeling bad about it, hilarious as it was at first.”
“No, mama. I don’t want to play the trumpet anymore.”
“Uh…..”
“Yeah, I’m not delving deeper into this rabbit hole.”
“Mega what?”
“Why does that potion sound like it’ll put its tongue down your throat when you try to drink it?”
“Good thing it’s not a suppository, then.”
“The Megalixir Buttchug. Should we be blamed for starting a new worrisome trend among the teens of today? Or do you think we can blame the naming committee for this?”
“I never take the blame for anything. That’s my policy.”
“You are my new hero.”
“This atmosphere of… uh, giant dinosaur on the wall.”
“What’s so special about a dinosaur? We’ve got lots of weird and wonderful creatures on the loose here. Who are also normal, because that’s how we roll here on Gaia.”
“What’s our measuring stick for what’s normal and what isn’t, I wonder? How far do you have to go to be considered strange or unusual?”
“I think I’d feel more normal if we returned to our topic of the Megabuttlixir.”
“Ew, no.”
“Did you just punch an ancient dragon with a dolphin?”
“See, now that is strange and unusual.”
“We all have to go that extra mile these days.”
“You two are making no sense whatsoever.”
“And our reward is a Nail Bat.”
“Gotta prepare for the zombie apocalypse, I guess.”
“Let’s not give Sephiroth any ideas now. The tattooed weirdoes are weird — and zombie-like — enough.”
“And now we’re facing a devil man with a panther for a penis. Perfectly normal.”
“And the Panther Penis is the one with the legs too.”
“The walking nutsack with an upper body.”
“And its name is ‘Doorbull’. It’s the future of nightclub bouncers.”
“What did we just say about this?”
“Someone had to try their luck, huh?”
“It’s a materia, though. Who’s selling luck materia?! Casinos?”
“Yeah, it’s not like we were just in a… uh, right.”
“Wanna take bets on whether this materia won’t help us one bit up there?”
“Yes, let’s save the Nyum Nyum man.”
“Wouldn’t it be better to rest first?”
“Oh, just… forget it!”
“Well, good thing we got here in time — uh, relatively speaking.”
“Yeah, five minutes late, and we’d have to wait almost an hour for our next chance.”
“Christ, this dungeon is a pain in the ass.”
“Ominous jinxing aside, I could do with a dungeon with less passitivity. I mean… now we’re hunting another Nyum Nyum guy, and that’s the most action-filled moment so far. Well, aside from when we fought two tiny ancient dragons and picked up that weirdly nasty weapon.”
“There we go. Now, do we save the guy we just captured? Or do we take out the rest?”
“Oh, just…. just forget it!”
“No, you’re not. You’re a weirdo who just pops up whenever you feel like we’re getting too sensible here.”
“So, what’s new, Sephy? Still going to collect all your weirdoes and destroy the world, so you can come lick the wound?”
“And if that’s the case; boy do we have a potion for you.”
“It’s the kind that you take through the ass.”
“Well… if any of you thought our conversation so far was sounding a bit crazy…”
“Nope.”
“I didn’t.”
“Right.”
“Do you mind?”
“Yes, we do.”
“Very.”
“WE SAID WE MINDED!”
“He’s becoming one with his mother.”
“Who thought that would be a good way to go for a villain? How does that even…?”
“Well, at least that makes sense, you giant weirdo.”
“Don’t know how your mother would fit into this, unless you meant literally: you wound the planet, and then you shove your mother into the hole so you can take in all that delicious mako energy that will then have nowhere to go outside of your big, pretentious cakehole.”
“So rude.”
“And to such a nice guy too.”
“So sarcastic. I love it.”
“Aaaaand we’re back to the almost boringly trite villain spiel. I will control everyone, and then I will never be bored again, because at least I’ll have my mom to talk to.”
“I’ll be a god. I’ll never be bored.”
“So says the guy who changed his tone completely just from reading a few books, and then completely misunderstood the situation and overreacted massively. I’d call your attention span into question, but that’s assuming you actually have one.”
“And you’re going for subtlety too. I’m so proud of you.”
“So is mom.”
“This is probably the most offputting conversation I’ve ever had.”
“Yes. Can we go back to the buttchug potion now, please?”
“I’D LIKE TO!”
“ME TOO!”
“ME THREE!”
“Like… I just realized that we’re facing someone who might very well talk us to death. That’s horrifying, isn’t it?”
“Well… yes, I see your point.”
“I feel like we’re facing someone who both acts like the villainous turds you’d see in any fairly typical story, and yet also comes across as massively revolting compared to them. How do you even do that?!”
“Well… some of it. The parts about always being with me were more creepy than sensible, and I’d rather not think too much about that, if that’s alright. And… uh, his mom issues?”
“Let’s not forget that he plans to combine with his mom.”
“…….”
“On second thought, let’s just forget all about that.”
“I concur.”
“I seconcur.”
“Well… what does it do if it can’t find any small planets nearby?”
“I guess it doesn’t work, then?”
“Magic works in very mysterious and limited ways.”
“It’s not a spell we can spam, in other words.”
“Well… no.”
“Are you not a pipe?”
“Well, he’s a giant tool.”
“Ha ha ha I’m not a tool.”
“A momma’s boy?”
“Ha h-oh, shut up!”
“Did you come back to laugh at us just so we could taunt you some more?”
“You jerks. I’m throwing a much bigger dragon at you this time.”
“Well… he apparently did.”
“That is a big dragon.”
“Want me to punch some dolphins at it?”
“Yes, please.”
“And you want to find him? Didn’t we just exchange a lot of nonsense just now, before the dragon fight?”
“Well, I thought we could just get the ‘stab him through the chest’ thing out of the way while he was nearby. I have a big sword, but it’s not that big. And I forbid you all to say ‘That’s what she said’.”
“Aw, phooey.”
“Ask them to be quick about it. We haven’t got all day.”
“What’s that? You’re going to put me over to the acting manager? OK, I’ll wait.”
“Oh, come on!”
“Dum di dum, your call is very important to us, please wait. Dum di dum.”
“She can’t be serious.”
“We’re number what in the queue? Uh…”
“What? Is it bad?”
“Well… have you watched Beetlejuice, by any chance?”
“You’re kidding, right?!”
“Yes, I am. Now shut up.”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“Nope.”
“You’re… kiddding, right?!”
“Nope.”
“How does that even work?!”
“We’re… saying that a lot, aren’t we?”
“And we probably aren’t going to stop anytime soon.”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“Sadly, no.”
“So, we will get the materia if we solve the puzzle?”
“I… sense a huge flaw in that plan. See, some people might be willing and able to sacrifice their lives for the greater good, but other people are more than willing to sacrifice other people’s lives for the greater good.”
“Except ‘for their greater good’ rather than ‘the greater good’.”
“You gonna stuff the black materia with mechanical parts and fabric?”
“And to think, if we had the key from the get-go and weren’t delayed a whole day for no reason, we coulda been in here and made it out with the materia before Sephiroth even knew what was going on.”
“Hindsight ain’t fair, and even if we had, you’d just have ended up like Tseng.”
“Nuh uh.”
“Yup uh.”
“Well, like he said, it’s just a radio controlled body, right? There’s no way this could turn out to be one of the more emotional lows in our long journey to stop a pathetic madman from dropping a serious bomb, right?”
“I can do this. Y’all run to the exit now.”
“CAN DO!”
“Well… this isn’t ominous at all.”
“Why didn’t they just write ‘this is a trap’ on that door while they’re at it?”
“I don’t see how this can get any more ridiculous.”
“Well, I stand corrected.”
“So, we’re fighting the wall?!”
“Well, it got me scared to open the door, at least, because I don’t want to see what that thing’s crotch looks like.”
“IT’S NIPPLES ARE EYES!”
“Don’t walk through the door, Cloud. Don’t walk through the door.”
“We must take out all of its bricks, one piece at a time!”
“And now I don’t know who I’m the most afraid of.”
“Don’t walk through that door, Cloud. RUN! RUN THROUGH IT! I’LL BE RIGHT BEHIND YOU!”
“Oh, thank God, we beat down the wall.”
“The time is gone, the song is over, thought I’d something more to say.”
“Well, at least we don’t have to see what’s behind that door.”
“I stand corrected. Again.”
“What?”
“Nothing. But at least we can walk through that door without having to bleach my eyes first.”
“….what?!”
“You don’t want to know.”
“Aside from my impending death. OH HO HO, just kidding, but anyway.”
“Boy, that got awkward really quickly.”
“Well, I got an idea.”
“I’m not mad. I’m just… tired.”
“Well, I’m feeling peppier than ever. I feel good about my future now.”
“I feel like I’m just being pulled along in a river of not my making.”
“Shush, Cloud. You’re ruining my moment here.”
“Yes, dear.”
“Stop that.”
“Can you please stop this? I thought the wall monster with the crotch doorway was creepy, but now I’m thinking you’re trying to get us murdered by way of death flags.”
“Yeah, even I feel kind of ill at ease now.”
“…yes, I guess it is.”
“Kind of like this is a Final Fantasy game, huh?”
“Wow, you really hate walls, don’t you?”
“Oh, you have no idea.”
“I don’t even know which part is my voice or Reeve’s anymore. It’s meta, right?”
“When a Cait falls in the temple and nobody is around to see it, did it really happen?”
“Ah, we can dance if we want to, we can leave our friends behind….”
“And I’m also a bit crushed. But that’s probably just my clairvoyance kicking in again.”
“Am I being demanding right now?”
“And all I ask is; please don’t screw up my sacrifice. Well, bye.”
“Jaysus, I’m glad we’re not in there right now.”
“Boy, it still doesn’t make any sense that this whole building was the black materia.”
“Maybe it’s just me, but I’m pretty sure that the underground area we traversed was a lot bigger than this hole.”
“It’s here to symbolize the depth of our adventures and sacrifices.”
“Just say it doesn’t make any sense and leave it at that. We just shrank a building after fighting one of its walls. I think we can safely say that sense left the building long, long before we did.”
“So… we had to go to this temple, shrink the building at the cost of one life, and now we have to take it to a land not everyone can go into unless they have a harp that you have to dig out of a landfill.”
“Well… yes?”
“OK, I just wanted to make that clear.”
“I think that’s abusing the definition of the word ‘clear’ just a little bit.”
“But when you had your giant meltdown, you said you were an ancient and accused us of betraying them.”
“Yes, well, I wasn’t quite myself at the time.”
“I’ll say.”
“Well, most people don’t start off their soul searching by dropping a meteor on the planet.”
“Yes, but I’m not most people. I’m special.”
“Knowledge? Maybe. Wisdom? Ha ha ha no.”
“People with wisdom don’t come to the conclusion that the planet needs a meteor crashing into it. You’re just making a big splash so you can reap all the benefits of other people’s suffering. You’re like Shinra times ten.”
“Ugh! All the pinkness. I’m beside myself. Ack! I have darkness in my hands.”
“Cloud! Step away from Sephiroth. His pretentious stupidity is very contagious, it seems.”
“People.. just don’t… understand my brilliance. I must… make them all pay.”
“Oh dear lord.”
“Aeris, please grab him and pull him away from Sephiroth right away.”
“And why do you always say ‘be strong’ when something bad is about to happen? Why was I beside myself? WHYYYYY?!”
“Cloud, that’s not ‘being strong’. Stop it!”
“OK.”
“I’m not the Cait Sith that got crushed to… well, sorta-death just now.”
“Well, I hope Sephiroth chokes on the fluff inside the materia. How’s Cloud doing?”
“Erm… I’m not sure, to be honest.”
“It’s all… just….”
“Shock! Betrayal! Mind control! Sephiroth got his hands on the black materia after all, because if not, this story would have a bit of a short and anticlimactic end. But all is not right in the state of mind that is Cloud.”
“Wait, I take that back. If my sudden screwup is a dream, please do wake me up right now. I don’t want this to have happened.”
“Well, if that’s how you feel, boy, do I have some bad news for you.”