Chapter 14: Have Airship, Will Travel The (Shallow) Seas.
“Yes, we shall go meet Captain Representative. He sounds like a man for the people.”
“Down with the proletariat.”
“We have no idea what we are talking about. We just want to sound clever and important.”
“Literally or metaphorically? Or both, I’d imagine?”
“It’s looking pretty relaxed, though. It’s like someone leaning on the bar desk going ‘Pour me up another one. I have all the time in the world to drink my worries away.’ ”
“I know that sounds like the worst ‘caught in the act’ excuse ever and all, but…”
“We were just window-shopping.”
“We were inspecting the goods.”
“Do you have one in blue?”
“Um….”
“Cloud.”
“Aeris. NOT Aerith. I do not have a lithpt.”
“Tifa. Call me Titta and die.”
“Ooh, good one.”
“…urgh, why did I even say that?”
“You set yourself up for that one.”
“Oh boy. This is not a good time for a confrontation, much as I’d like to stab that guy right in his head.”
“Let’s go hide inside their house for a bit. That should give us some time to calm down and think of what to do next.”
“Good idea. You coming, Titta?”
“Be there in a stretch.”
“She carries a heavy burden.”
“Uh… right.”
“Yikes. I know I carry a big sword and I’m not afraid to use it, but… drill arm? I would hate to be on the receiving end of that.”
“We’re still giving that thing to Barret, though, aren’t we?”
“Of course. He can… uh, drill some oil with it?”
“At least that’s a step up from working in the coal mines. His respiratory system will thank him for goring a guy’s brain out instead.”
“Mmmm. Lungs full of brain parts.”
“It will be the most brain his body has ever contained.”
“So… what did you call this masterpiece? Limp Johnson?”
“How’s it hanging?”
“Sideways.”
“Science is cool. Here, have this SWORD!”
“I love how this sword has such a cute name. It’s like a snowed-down cute little green dinosaur.”
“Before or after the meteor hits?”
“Well, that’s… a normal thing to say when talking about dinosaurs, but why do I still feel ill at ease?”
“I’m not worried. That’ll never happen in my lifetime.”
“STOP THAT!”
“Well… I feel cheated. I can’t see my house from here.”
“I think it’s supposed to be launched first.”
“Oooooh.”
“Talk less, climb faster. I’m tired of looking at your ass.”
“Oh, sure, Captain My Right Foot would love to make your aquaintance.”
“I love this guy already.”
“So, did you come up here to waste my time or regret my life choices?”
“This guy must be a hit at all the parties.”
“Or he’s hitting everyone at the parties.”
“Uh….”
“I think Cloud’s brain crashed.”
“Well, we just met a grumpy old man who likes young people. There’s a paradox if I ever heard one.”
“Why would you find that strange? You kids have always been about blowing stuff up or launching it into space.”
“Yeah, but still…. you have to understand how weird it is for us to meet an old guy whose first option on his ‘list of things I tell young people’ is not ‘get offa my lawn, or I’ma bust a cap in yo ass’.”
“Well, I didn’t say I’d take it. I believe I used the word ‘borrow’.”
“With you kids, that’s the same thing.”
“Theeere’s our cranky old man.”
“That’s right. Now get offa my rocket, or I’ma fire you into space.”
“Uh…. OK?”
“I think I understand her personality a bit better now.”
“Sure, I’d be upset too, but what did she do?!”
“I’m… uh, actually not sure.”
“And if that’s soon, shouldn’t we get the heck out of here?”
“One sec, I’ll take you all down.”
“Yikes! We… uh, can find our own way down.”
“That’s OK. We… uh… have to go. Right away. Far, far away.”
“You ain’t goin’ nowhere before you had some goddamn TEA! Now sit your goddamned ASSES down on my goddamned CHAIRS and drink that goddamned TEA! Goddamn!”
“How many gods are you going to damn before this is all over?”
“That depends on when you have that tea.”
*sigh* “Fine!”
“Do you have time for anything other than making tea? Because I can’t imagine anyone ever dropping by here and staying for long, but Captain Cranky is so over the top that I can imagine lots of people wanting to meet him to see if the rumors are true.”
“Um….”
“Oh, come on!”
“That sounds like a heavy weight to carry. Crushed dreams are nothing to joke about.”
*cough*
“In fact… uh, are you OK, Tifa?”
“Sorry… just got some tea down the wrong pipe.”
“Oh, OK. Anyway, what happened?”
“Well, that sounds like a serious case of ‘famous last words’ if you ask me.”
“That’s sort of why I thought we needed those extra checks.”
“Sounds sensible to me.”
“I’m just going to the moon, doing a handbrake turn and then coming right back. That’s my dream.”
“That’s what he said.”
“That is a rad dream, though. Don’t know why he would be ashamed of that.”
“Well, he clearly wasn’t, since ‘mistreating a woman for the rest of her life for ruining that’ seemed like a completely reasonable response.”
“And now the rocket is ‘hanging it’ outside, as a perfect reminder of… whatever the hell that was supposed to be about.”
“So, anyway, I assume there were some problems at launch?”
“….uh..”
“OK, I didn’t expect that.”
“You…. do know what would happen if he really did launch, right?”
“Well, how do you know he didn’t?”
“……….”
“C’mon, lady, even I know how fatal that is.”
“Uh… I was all on your side up until this point, but now I’m not so sure.”
“………….”
Don’t get me wrong: I still think he’s treating you terribly, but… did you seriously expect him to launch the rocket with you there?”
“I had hoped.”
“….you have a rather huge martyr fetish, don’t you?”
/////
“Oh, dear Lord!
“And somehow, Cid made it through that event not coming across as the worst person on the team.”
“Forget about her, they say. I don’t even…”
“Cid is a crude, cranky bastard, Shera is a little bit too into giving her life for science, the rest of the team is also a little bit too happy about giving her life for science, and the old guy standing outside is giving away free swords for admiring the rocket with him.”
“And we found a drill punch in a chest here. You guys really take your lobotomies seriously, don’t you?”
“They all went limp, didn’t they?”
“I’m not sure what to think now. Or rather, where to start.”
“Yeah, we know.”
“That last part was easy to see coming, really.”
“I’d call you out in a heartbeat if you had said that the launch went ahead as planned.”
“No, your hospitality sucks! You’re the worst hospitalitier I’ve ever met, except maybe the hospitality Shinra showed the slums a few weeks ago when they decided to drop in.”
“Ooof, too soon.”
“And just for the record, that doesn’t have anything to do with you not wanting to lend us your airship.”
“Oh, I’m sure.”
“Well, I suddenly lost my desire for tea even more than I did when Mr. “Enjoy my hospitality, or I’ll put you in the hospital” offered some.”
“Hey-hey. Did I come at a bad time?”
“Yes. Every time.”
“I hope no woman will ever hear that coming out of your mouth.”
“Palmer, the… ‘artist’…. of very creative poison spells.”
“It’s like a demi to the brain.”
“Lard?! Sugar or tea I could maybe understand, but…. ewwwww!”
“In fact, why not just drop the tea and give him a cup of lard with sugar and honey on it.”
“Let’s not get completely ridiculous now.”
“Oh, we are already there. With a flying start.”
“Yes, although you were kind of scared out of your mind at the time. And you smelled of pee.”
“The smell of the pee of a man who likes lard in his tea.”
“Well… this is turning into quite the pleasant tea party. I don’t think I need to worry about crying myself to sleep ever again.”
“Denial is sometimes a good thing, kids.”
“Um…. Rufus is outside and is asking to borrow the Tiny Bronco.”
“Pfft, I have a hard time believing that.”
“Yeah, as if Rufus would actually ask anyone for anything. He’d just crank up the terror.”
“Oh, he’s not really asking.”
“That’s our little mafioso.”
“Do we have to?”
“If he’s already put his hands on it, it’ll smell of lard tea pee.”
“Yes, it is indeed us. I know it probably didn’t reflect well on us that we got captured by them, but… uh… that was all part of the plan, and now here we are.”
“So… assuming you haven’t put your lard-starched hands on the Tiny Bronco yet, what do you think would be the most rational thing to do right now, Mr. Palmer?”
“….well, I admit I thought he’d pick any other choice than this.”
“Well, this fight isn’t going to last long. Let’s… uh, let’s let him down gently.”
“With a chocobo rush? Uh… yikes.”
“And he survived that. Well, how about this?”
“Odin?! And you got up in my grill for releasing the chocobo? Why don’t you unleash the Valkyries while you’re at it?”
“Hey, now, let’s not get too crazy here.”
“Oh, Valhalla forbid.”
“OK, maybe a little bit overkill.”
“YA THINK?!”
“Man, he’s going to leave just a smear made up of sugar, honey and lard off the ground.”
“What the…?!”
“He survived Odin?!”
“What manner of man is this, who can survive the father of the Valkyries, yet cower in fear of Sephiroth the backstabber?”
“Well, fine. If that’s how it’s going to be….”
“UNLEASH LIGHTNING MOSES ON THE MOUNTAIN!”
“……”
“….uh..”
“How is this complete wimpoid still on his feet? We hit him with Chocobo, Odin and Ramuh. That is the combo of death.”
“Clearly we have underestimated the drinker of lard.”
“Well… silk gloves are off.”
“Yes, turn the ground on him.”
“Some people flip the finger, Titan flips the entire ground.”
“And he survived that too. I don’t know what to believe in anymore.”
“We have an EX soldier, we have a karate lady and we have one of the Cetra with us, yet the three of us are having trouble dealing with a chunky, lard-pasted, corrupt government official. How does that even math?!”
“And he’s doing the ‘slapping his ass in our direction’ thing. Taunting us after surviving a Chocobo, Odin, Ramuh and Titan.”
“For the first time, I feel well and truly defeated. Not even getting captured by Don Corneo stung as much as this.”
“Everything is hopeless, isn’t it?”
“Is he running away, or is he rubbing it in by running away?”
“Where did it all go wrong?”
“He’s not even taking the Tiny Bronco. It’s like he’s leaving it behind as if to say ‘see if it can help you now’.”
“…..”
“The truck… has defeated us all.”
“Sadness is a debuff and we all have it permanently from this day forth. No ribbons or esunas can help us now.”
“Oh, right. We were gonna take this.”
“Right. Uh… let’s go?”
“Look, ma. I can fly!”
“WAIT, WE HAVEN’T GOTTEN TO OUR SEATS YET!”
“I CAN SEE MY CHURCH FROM HERE!”
“HOW ARE THE FLOWERS DOING?!”
“I ASKED THE CHILDREN TO LOOK AFTER THEM, THEY SHOULD BE FINE!”
“THAT’S NICE!”
“YES, THEY ARE GOOD KIDS!”
“By what? Nobody was firing anything at us, and Rufus wanted this plane anyway, so I doubt he’d do anything to it that might ruin his travel plans.”
“This airship has drawers? I didn’t see any.”
“I meant your underwear.”
“…right. ‘Drawers’? How old do you think we are? Or you, for that matter?”
“It’s ‘panties’ nowadays, grandpa.”
“You kids today and your perverted fantasies.”
“I would have liked riding inside of it, but I guess that train has left the station.”
“That’s what he said.”
“Shush now. We got old people with us.”
“Right. Sorry.”
“Yeah, sorry, grandpa. I hope we haven’t done any permanent damage.”
“Kids today….”
“Well, I’m… sure the feeling is mutual.”
“Now she’ll get to relax and drink her own goddamned tea too.”
“Pfft, yeah, maybe she’ll develop a little attitude for when I return. That would be refreshing.”
“Oh, so you’re the kind of old guy who expects everyone to be as cranky and cynical as you are. Duly noted.”
“You’re talking like you are going out to buy dolls. ‘Yes, I have to get Rufus, but I really hope Sephiroth is on sale today, because he’s such a popular guy.’ Like that.”
“When I started out, I might have done that. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.”
“I’m not entirely sure I want any compliments from you, but… fine. You’d have to work very hard to outdo Sephiroth in destroying my image of them, so that’s something, I guess.”
“Well, unlike Sephiroth, Cid here started at the other end too. Or at least I hope that’s how it’ll turn out, and he won’t fall as far — relatively speaking — as Sephiroth did.”
“Hey, now that comparison is just unfair. It’s not like I murdered someone or something. And I did tell Shera to stop being my goddamned lackey, but she just wouldn’t listen.”
“Why would it bother you? It’s a temple for my people.”
“And stop calling me a numbskull.”
“Then stop being a numbskull.”
“YOU are the numbskull.”
“No, YOU!”
“YOU are the numbskull. You you you YOU!”
“No, you! No, you! No, you!”
“YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU!”
“I feel greatly annoyed. And confused, but mostly annoyed.”
“Hey, Tifa… wanna get off on the Tiny Bronco? Huh huh uhuh huh.”
“Eheh heh heh heh you got some mad props, Cloud.”
“I guess people deal with trauma in different ways.”
“Come to Butthead.”
“Welcome to Bone Village, a town for nature lovers. Because there’s no way you can’t read that the wrong way, only to be disappointed when you show up here.”
“Yeah, just ask Butthead here. He might have gotten the wrong idea.”
“And how do you know all of this?”
“Because they’re archaeologists. They study this sort of thing. It’s what they do.”
“Because what else would you do in Bone Village?”
“Uhuh huh huh huh.”
“Erm… that’s… not how sleeping works. When you sleep, you don’t do the things you normally would. Logically, if a forest is made to keep people out, wouldn’t it make more sense that it is awake when it comes to doing its job?”
“It’s a magical forest. It doesn’t have to make sense.”
“Of course.”
“Hm, OK, Kujata. That sounds ominously large.”
“This is a sleeping forest, alright. It’s very quiet. Too quiet.”
“Ssssh, you’ll wake it up.”
“And then what? Will it say ‘YOU WILL PASS!’?”
“I feel kind of silly. We’re clearly in a contraption that’s flying, but can also float on water, but oh no, we can’t go out on deeper waters.”
“That’s a safety measure I had built in just in case brash-brained hotheads came calling looking to use it.”
“That’s rich coming from the guy who wanted to go into outer space without taking safety precautions seriously.”
“Oh, shaddup.”
“What in the name of hell is that? A hair follicle doing pushups?”
“Some mobs just want to inflict confusion on you without casting the actual spell, I guess.”
“A gryphon, however? That one can eat world-carrying bull power.”
“Uh….”
“I fail to see the bull. I only see two different elements being thrown at us… for some reason.”
“Wait for it….”
“Boy, I sure would hate it if someone were resistant — or even better, immune — or even BETTER better, absorbing — either of these. Or all of them.”
“Waaaait for it…..”
“And here he comes.”
“Making the ground all wobbling wobbling.”
“THE GROUND AIN’T WATER, SUCKA!”
“And whaddya mean ‘again’? I haven’t tricked you yet, right?”
“…..”
“Uh… I meant before. I haven’t tricked you before, right? Aheh.”
“Well… no, you haven’t. Not yet, no.”
“Stop having that conversation and turn your attention to us, if you please.”
“Guys, can’t we talk about this, please?”
“Well, at least they aren’t saying ‘Shoot them and ask questions later’.”
“He did say ‘grab’, though. He better not be thinking of grabbing what I think they’d be liable to grab.”
“I AM ENRAGED! I’M GOING TO TURBO-HEAL THE LOT OF YA!”
“Well, that’s a constructive way of dealing with the issue at hand — uh, no pun or innuendo intended — but… what just happened. I feel kind of weird about which direction this fight went.”
“What did indeed happen? The odd way the conversation went before the fight was one thing, with our new ninja buddy Yuffie both having something to do with the soldiers and NOT having anything to do with the soldiers. But more importantly, what’s the next path for our heroes?”
“Erm… I agree with you and all, but when you say ‘She’s done it again’, what else has she done?”
“Well, she… um… she… I can’t actually think of anything. I dunno, she just sounds so shifty. She was already drooling over the materia, and now we had ours stolen.”
“There was the weird way she joined us. I kind of feel like we were lucky to respond with the right answers before we pretended to leave her behind.”
“Now you’re almost making us sound like the villains here.”
“Well, I guess it doesn’t matter much at the moment. Let’s go to her home and hope nothing too crazy happens while we’re there.”