Chapter 13: It Came From The Cellar.
“Uh… you grew a little? I think I’ll refrain from asking for details.”
“His heart grew ten sizes that day.”
“Not as much as his father’s tears.”
“Big wobbly eyes desu all over the place.”
“Oh, I can see my house from here. I think.”
“Yeah, I’d be unsure if I lived in a river too, and one that people were driving over all the time too.”
“Well, aren’t you gonna be let down when we get there?”
“Wasn’t the place burned to the ground?”
“Yeah. Good thing there wasn’t a coal mine nearby, I guess.”
“Wassat supposed to mean?”
“Maybe we didn’t have a mako reactor nearby, but at least we had a mansion, some really creepy mountains and the old homestead of Jenova the marvellous headless lady with an eyeball for a nipple.”
“Well, don’t leave us hanging. Show us the ruins formerly known as your old stomping grounds.”
“….yes, that’s what flames do: emit intense heat.”
“You don’t understand.”
“Yeah, this place was burned to the ground!”
“And then rebuilt?”
Oh, sure, I wouldn’t have been so surprised if that was the only thing about it, but they rebuilt my childhood homestead down to the last detail.”
“I… uh, OK, that is kind of creepy.”
“So… you two really lived here, right?”
“Yeah!”
“Indeed. I mean… Cloud may suffer from amnesia and all, but I don’t. And this is clearly our old home town. And… not.”
“Right! Should I be worried?”
“If you want to.”
“Hmmmm…. no, I don’t think you’ll go very far in Gaia’s Got Talent with that song.”
“Well, with those lyrics, I can understand why he placed twelfth.”
“I bet he didn’t even SALTZA!”
“Are you sure you lived here before?”
“YES! I mean… are you gonna believe us or Mr. 12?”
“Well… he does a mean growl, and lord knows Gaia’s Got Talent could stand being a bit more metal.”
“Is that why you stabbed the judges when you entered a few years ago?”
“WHAT?!”
“Juuust kidding.”
“Oh, you bastard. That was horrible and clever and I love you.”
“He’s number six.”
“That’s a third of the number of the beast. He’s 1/3rd a beast, that man is.”
“Anyone low on their luck at the moment?”
“And straight from the source too. That’s the good stuff.”
“Luck, luck, the magical drug. The more you need, the more you chug.”
“Well, we already had our turn at the Golden Saucer, so let’s just save them for later.”
“Uh… he wants to become ‘one with Sephiroth’, whatever that means.”
“He’s number five. He’s going to have to contend with four people, and when he’s settled in inside Sephiroth, in comes Mr. Metal, the one-third beast.”
“Sounds like great fun.”
“OK, so not only is this place not burned to the ground, but people are living here and making us sound like a bunch of crazypants.”
“And yet, the place is also filled with these numbered weirdos who all want to be inside Sephiroth.”
“I’m going to track down David Lynch and punch him in the groin for this.”
“….”
“….uh..”
“So…. Shinra basically rebuilt this city as it was, and then had the staff act like its residents? Why would they even… that makes even less sense than the ‘let’s keep Nanaki from learning the truth and have him think his father was a coward instead’ plan Bugenhagen cooked up alongside Nanaki’s mom.”
“Maybe Shinra wanted to break into the movie industry?”
“When method acting go completely bonkers.”
“Look, we already read the report, you insane bastards. Now get back to work, or Hojo’ll have you all on his animal supervision and breeding program.”
“Whoa! I’ve never seen anyone go pale that quickly and severely. We really did get to you in the nick of time, didn’t we, Aeris?”
“Yes, yes. I am ever so grateful.”
“OK, enough about Sephiroth now. Jeez, and I thought I was a fanboy.”
“Invasion of the Sith Lords.”
“Uh… ‘I hid a guy I hated downstairs. You can find him yourself if you like’. Sounds like a swell idea.”
“Oh yes, I can see that will lead to a lot of interesting conversations.”
“I love the reverse psychology and the passive aggressiveness on display here.”
“Erm…. right. The lid with the most oxygen.”
“Scientists have worked for years and years and years finding a way to combine tea and ray.”
“Beam me up a cuppa, Scotty!”
“Is it weird that I open this chest, find a ‘magic source’ inside of it, and my first thought was ‘…meh.’?”
“At this point in time? Not really.”
“Boy, does this place bring back memories. Just over there is where Sephiroth went from being an admirable, stand-up guy to an absolute nutter. And judging by recent events, he hasn’t exactly recovered from that.”
“Why is it so purple?”
“Atmospheric lighting.”
“Oh.”
“How would you even…”
“I just thought I’d get that last memories high before I doom the planet.”
“That’s mighty swell of you.”
“You’re aware that we’re surrounded by sith apprentices, right?”
“They have your number.”
“And here is the passive-aggressiveness again.”
“I will tell you where I’m going, but don’t follow, because you have no right!”
“Do you wish to knoooooow?”
“Concepts? Buzzwords? Money erupting from the ground. Shareholders, happy. This is the future, now!”
“Cloud, let me… let me borrow that materia juuuust for a bit.”
“Yeah, I’m sure the scientists that kept these two captive inside two containers never noticed this. What kind of nincompoops were held captive here anyway?”
“Oh, some reports on the poor saps. Hmm.”
“Two SOLDIER boys? Uh oh.”
“Don’t make them out like they’re in some weirdass nursery rhyme.”
“Consciousness, the biggest contributor to diminished returns.”
“Shot for resisting capture. Well, that defeats the purpose of a recapture, doesn’t it?”
“That’s Shinra for you. ‘If you try to resist, we’ll just shoot you. And then we’ll tell our next capture what an idiot the last one was’.”
“That’s… probably horrifically efficient. Probably.”
“Snake, is that you?”
“Ja, ve need zhe tvin viper for zhe front vindov of our car.”
“Zhe rain iz just horrible at this time of zhe year.”
“Of all the odd things to face….”
“What the hell is he even sitting on?”
“Well, it won’t be my face, that’s for sure. If he tries, I’ll tell him exactly how little I love him.”
“Well, gee, he had to try anyway, didn’t he? Do you think he got the message?”
“I could hear his skull cracking even from here. I imagine her sitting on his face might not be the most pleasant thing for quite a while… assuming he survives, that is.”
“And we got ourselves a new M-phone for our efforts. Who wants to shout in the ear of a millionaire?”
“Don’t we have someone to find here? How about we focus on that?”
“Jesus! I don’t know what just happened, but we’re in a mansion, and then a moogle face appeared on the wall like the weirdest and most adorable version of The Exorcist ever. And then, there was a BOOM. The end!”
“What can top that insanity, you might wonder?”
“Is… is he playing Red Light, Green Light?”
“Approach with caution. And when green.”
“He’s not turning around like he’s supposed to, though.”
“…and I think I know why.”
“What?!”
“Could you at least wait until we won the fight before you start doing victory stretches?”
“Hey, stop complaining. The boss was good and distracted, wasn’t it?”
“HEY! WE RECEIVED A KEY ITEM?!”
*sigh*
“Get it?! It’s a key item because it’s a key.”
“YES, VERY CLEVER! THANK YOU! And it’s helpfully named ‘Key to the Basement’ too.”
“K to the B, eh?”
“Oh, my… uh, I mean OH EM GEE!”
“If a zombie has two heads, does it need to eat two brains?”
“Good thing I’ve partied up with you two, then.”
“Oh, snap, son. But won’t that just mean both heads will gnaw at your cranium? You’ll be caught up in the crossfire.”
“Crosschewing. And doesn’t that thing look very cross or what?”
*sigh* “Well, maybe I can put them together and make one good one.”
“Aeris, please… just… stop. I told you it’s not as much fun as it might look, and again, ask Yuffie.”
“Do you need any coffin pills?”
“You’re asking me to rate my dream? On… a negative scale? How weird are you people, asking this from a stranger? And after the lamest pun ever, might I add.”
“Oh, you have no idea. As for the pun; if that’s the worst you’ve ever heard, consider yourself lucky.”
“I never consider myself lucky.”
“As amusing as this absurd little conversation is, I am nevertheless a bit disturbed about how quickly you two have bonded.”
“I am a loner. I have no time or patience for getting close to someone, because I must walk the cool path.”
“I so know what you’re talking about, homeslice.”
“And now they’re in perfect sync with each other. This just keeps getting better and better.”
“But which one of them said ‘you start first’?”
“Don’t know, don’t care. The only part I care about is when we say ‘bye bye’.”
“Oh, it was Vincent who said Cloud should go first. There we go.”
“Oh, thank God. Now I can sleep again at night. Maybe.”
“You done? Can we go now?”
“You’re all heart.”
“And he’s all silence and secrets. We really should go, you know. Sephiroth to catch and all that.”
“Well… not that I’m one to talk.”
“You don’t say?”
“But he did. Why are we still talking?”
“We’re bonding! There’s a difference.”
“No, we’re not.”
“No, you’re boring! That’s the difference.”
“No, I’m not! I’m deep and mysterious.”
“Pshyeah, right! Swoon me a river, Angstman.”
*AHEM* “As I was about to say….”
“Lucre… one name after the other sounding more and more important by the minute.”
“Uh… sorry, can’t say I have. It’s not a name you hear very often — or in my case, never — so…. who is she?”
“Um… OK, now I’m lost. Lucrecia was Sephiroth’s mother, but Jenova of the eye boob also was his mother? Did the two visit the local sperm bank? Or… wait, I just imagined Hojo running one of those and now I feel unclean.”
“AUUUUGH!”
“Maybe he even planned on sending Nanaki there too, if Aeris had been… somewhat less cooperative.”
“The uncleanliness spreads.”
“How could you do this to us, Cloud?”
“It was worth it just to see your expressions.”
“Did you try pressing the ‘cancel’ button?”
*gasp* “Why didn’t I think of that?!”
“Really? I mean… really really? Or just sarcasm?”
“Sarcasm. It was an experiment conducted by two human beings. There is no cancel button.”
“So what did you expect me to do? Flog myself? Excessive self-paddling? Run into a tree, groin first?”
“Uh… whatever makes you happy. I’m just finding ‘sleep’ kind of a weird punisment, all things considered.”
“Hey, if I really wanted to punish myself to the breaking point, I’d just continue working for Shinra.”
“Touché, I guess.”
“Anyway, I guess we’ll just leave you to your… uh, sleep, you weird, weird man.”
“….wait, you said Lucrecia was Sephiroth’s mother, but… who is his father?”
“……”
“Oh dear Lord, it’s Hojo, isn’t it?”
“…….”
“HA HA HA SERIOUSLY?! Oh my God, I know we just left him in Coca Cabana surrounded by bikini-clad hotties, but yikes… losing a game of love against Hojo! That just goes beyond mean and humiliating. And… and mean. But oh wow….”
“You guys are assholes, you know that?”
“Yeah, Cloud, you’re so mean. So what if Hojo might have the biggest animal fetish in the entire world? That’s no reason to rub it in like this.”
“Uuuuuuurgh!”
“Um… oops.”
“Well, I might be mean, but wow, that was a masterful fatality.”
“Um… I don’t see how that’ll help if you’ve spent over 16 years in this basement asleep. Things have changed since then.”
“Lots of mako reactors have gone kaboom. Sephiroth is out cutting his path through the countryside, dragging his mother’s decomposing body around. And he’s planning on ruling the world. Or destroying it. Or ruling it, and then destroying it. Or destroying it and then ruling it. He wasn’t entirely clear on that subject, and logic wasn’t his strongest suit, to put it mildly.”
“The mines of Moria, here we come.”
“Speak Friend and Enter.”
“Alright, I know I used to live here and all, but let me just reiterate how ridiculously unfriendly these mountains look.”
“Everything is spikes. What do you call this? Mt. Quill?”
“The Kyuvilduns… whatever the hell that is…. didn’t think the world of your comment.”
“I am sorry. I should have called it something that doesn’t make literal sense. How about Mt. Kyuvils?”
“That’s better.”
“No, it’s not!”
“Rune Blade plus Barrette. Somehow, it doesn’t sound like the two go together that well. So… anyone else using a sword?”
“I use my fists. Or gloves, I guess.”
“I use staves.”
“I have arm-mounted guns.”
“I use guns too, but the kind you have to have hands to operate.”
“Hilariously oversized shuriken is my choice.”
“I use megaphones.”
“Right.”
“……”
“Wait, what?!”
“I’m sure it’ll make sense eventually. Kind of like how he’s a giant cat doll sitting on top of a giant…. uh, something doll. And they throw attacks using megaphones, because why not?”
“I need to lie down for a bit.”
“I bet that coffin of yours must feel so far away now.”
“Yay slide.”
“Well, the bridge did kind of snap into two halve-… wait, four years and they haven’t fixed it yet?”
“I guess they were too busy rebuilding our old homestead to spend any amount of time or money on this.”
“It looks like a slide now, though. Yay playground antics.”
“Yeah, I’m sure the planks and the space between them won’t shave our asses off centimeter by centimeter as we slide down.
“Don’t worry, Tifa. You’ve got plenty of ass to spare.”
“So, that’s your new target, huh?”
“Man, this water park has really fallen on some hard times.”
“What was it modeled after? Fallout? ‘Come one, come all, ride the magical nucular water slide. Guaranteed to put a tingle in your bloodstream’.”
“Hey, that’s mine. I will have all the materia in the world.”
“Um… no, this is one ‘all materia’.”
“No sweat. I’ll take that one too.”
“No, you won’t.”
“Twin Brain? Those things don’t look like they got even one.”
“Twin Brain Squared?”
“They seem to have even more than two of pretty much anything else, though.”
“Well, that explains The Wiggles impersonations. They don’t have enough brains to cover everything.”
“And here, we have the infamous Giant Scorpion Thing standing guard. It doesn’t run after us or attack us in any way even when we’re standing right in front of it, but hey, guess what happens if we run into it…”
“So… are we running into it?”
“Well, if this back door here is any indication of where we have to go, then yes. Sadly.”
“Sadly, you say?”
“Yeah. Killing non-aggressive beings. It just doesn’t feel right somehow.”
“But good grief, man, this place is just all out inhospitable. Yeah, the caves are kind of neat and all, but the outside is just nasty. That thing outside looked like a dragon’s foot, if it was covered in lava.”
“And it’s aaaaaall Shinra’s fault. And Sephiroth’s.”
“Oh, look. ‘Elemental’ materia. It’s air-quoted in such a way it makes the thing sound like a cheap knockoff.”
“Why are you looking at me like that? If I knew how to make materia, I wouldn’t have come here in search of it.”
“Fair enough. Anyway, we also have a Sniper CR. Now, since I know Barret isn’t much into guns he can’t fasten on his used-to-be hand, I’m thinking this one is for Vincent. So… are you a camping little dweebazoid, Vincent? Are you a little wimp?”
“I can turn into various monsters that will pound anyone who annoys me into the ground like a pole hammer.
“Uh… well, in that case, I have another question: why in the world are you using guns?”
“I was using neither. I was all content to lie in my coffin having bad dreams, remember? But oh nooo, someone just had to drop by and mention the name Sephiroth. And after going through a whole lot of trouble breaking into my bedroom in the first place.”
“Ah, the skills to make straight roads that lead directly to where you want to go. It’s becoming a lost art.”
“Hey, we gotta artificially stretch out our travel time somehow. Besides, would you want to play a game that had you constantly run down a singular hallway all the time, without as much as a chance to explore a nearby toilet?”
“Well, I… you know, you have a good point. SNEK ROAD, HERE WE COME!”
“Let us all sing a song.”
“Normally, I’d call that a good idea, but coming from you, that sentence terrifies me beyond belief.”
“I mean… compared to that, this gigantic bird just looks like it wants to hug us all.”
“It’s the bluebird of happiness.”
“And it doesn’t take ‘yes’ for an answer.”
“Well, would you look at that. Someone actually came and added railings at some point. We are all safe.”
“Well, allow me to disagree with that. Everything about this is ominous.”
“Also, you were saying about the railings again?”
“Uh… never mind. Well, it’s not like I haven’t done this before either.”
“And speaking of ominous; just look at this goddamned door.”
“It just screams ‘be cautious; slobbering hellbeast inside’.”
“Well… Sephiroth came and picked up the slobbering hellbeast, but other than that…. good observation.”
“Anyway, no reason to linger here. If we can’t fight a slobbering hellbeast, we can at least fight the guard scorpion downstairs.”
“But will it slobber?”
“Why is that so important to you?”
“You gotta follow protocol, you know.”
“Like when we ‘recruited’ you back before Compensation City?”
“Yep. That was all protocol.”
“I don’t even want to begin trying to figure out all the ways that doesn’t make a lick of sense.”
“And it died with arms wide open.”
“The animals here are awfully huggy, aren’t they?”
“Hey, if I lived in these depressingly gray and pointy mountains, I’d need more than my share of hugs too.”
“But you did.”
“Oh, that’s right.”
“……”
“Let’s just go, please.”
“Erm…. what kind of materia, did you say?”
“Does it want to saaaahk your blaaaaadh?!”
“I count three veirdly glovy pits. Mva ha ha ha ha.”
“Yeesh, finally out of this place. I’d ask you to remind me why you lived here again, but honestly, I don’t want to know.”
“I was a kid and rent was cheap.”
“And that was a more mundane answer than I expected. Imagine that.”
“And since when did kids pay rent anyway?”
“We don’t. That’s why we had to live there.”
“You know…. never mind. I don’t want to pursue this any further.”
“Well, that’s one hell of a way to open a town conversation. So, what is this huge thing they built in this town that everyone looks at when they enter?”
“What indeed? Every town has its angle. While Midgar was a soul-sucking nightmare of a town, and Junon looked like insecurity central, Costa Del Sol was more of a friendly open space where even creepy scientists could lie on the beach and take in the sights. And the same could possibly be said about Rocket Town, a place with a rather self-explanatory title.”
“Well…. clearly, the people of this town didn’t break out the torches and pitchforks and haul ass over to Freuds’s place quick enough. You let that guy stick around long enough, the penises are gonna show up everywhere.”
“It’s kinda limp, though, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, that thing is definitely not going into space, if you know what I mean.”