Chapter 12: A Hero’s Tale Not Told.
“Oh, look at all this fantastic technolog-oooh, a shooting star. Faaaab.”
“I can’t help but feel that was directed at me.”
“Nonono. I mean… you think it’s awesome that we’re seeing all this. I think it’s awesome that we’re seeing all this… inside a house. Must be something in the air.”
“Are you two having a fight about someone else’s home?”
“No, I’m just notably impressed.”
“And I see beyond the walls.”
“And I am distracted by two idiots.”
“Well, this took a turn for the weird.”
“Eh, I talk to the planet all the time. No big deal.”
“You take soul-searching very seriously, don’t you?”
“I’m planning on starting the Lifestream Tinder service. Find your soulmate.”
“Swipe left, swipe right, swipe away the night. Feel reborn the next day.”
“Ooh, I’m stealing that.”
“You mean you’re swiping it?”
“Ooh, I’m stealing that too.”
“Swiping!”
“Stealing!”
“Swiping!”
“Shut up!”
“So… you’re saying that people are born because there is enough free energy for them to do so? Or, more importantly, when all the available energy is in use, it’s safe sex for everyone?”
“You’ve… you’ve put a lot of thought into this, haven’t you?”
“Well… I have to admit that a lot of this doesn’t make any sense to me either.”
“Have less children, make the world green again.”
“Or at least have less Shinra prospects.”
“OK, enough from you two.”
“Yay, PSA!”
“I’m going to feel like I’m in school again, aren’t I?”
“Yeah, it must have been fun to be around you during puberty.”
“And we’re back to this again, miss. ‘I Used To Have A Boyfriend’. And I’m guessing he did at least look you in the eyes when he was talking to you?”
“Yes, well… can we please pay attention to the screen now?”
“Whoops. Uh… sorry. And thanks for not staring.”
“I’m getting too old for this.”
“Please tell me he isn’t peeing from the top of the planet.”
“It’s a guy thing, isn’t it?”
“Well, we are peeing with our ‘thing’, yes, but I’m not going to take this standing up.”
“Not sure if serious or just taking the piss here.”
“I can do both things standing up too. How’s that for multitasking?”
“Are they always like this?”
“Yes. And sometimes, I join in.”
“You’re just messing with me now.”
“And that, boys and girls, is how the Milky Way was created.”
“EW, STOP! What are you?! Twelve?!”
“Not far off to be honest.”
“OK, so spirit energy isn’t a constant?”
“I guess this takes care of that plot hole.”
“I just feel sorry for your teachers.”
“Oh, I like that ominous cliffhanger ending to your lesson. Very ‘if you don’t do what I say, you doom the world’.”
“Well, we are turning the world’s magical pee into magical stones.”
“And that is how science is ruined forever.”
“Well, it really would suck if it turns out that all our magical materia that we have been using to progress through this story is our lost loved ones.”
“In a very roundabout way, yes.”
“I’m guessing my ‘cover’ materia is made by my mom, then. Because she was always very much a helicopter parent.”
“That was quite the change in subject, by the way.”
“Well, we’re done with the ‘Spirit, Spirit, the magical pee’ part, so my mind wandered back to something Nanaki said when we entered this place.”
“We should talk with the others first, though. Just to check how we can deal with that.”
“And we need to update them on the cosmic pee parts too.”
“Barret will be particularly happy, I think.”
“Did you… smoke something? Someone didn’t offer you a pipe or something, right?”
“Yes. I mean no. I mean… oh, it’s so far away, man.”
“Oh dear lord. And no warning from Nanaki about this either.”
“Cloud, why are you floating off the ground?”
“And you peoples did nothing either?”
“What? Are you kidding? This is hilarious.”
“My new best friend.”
“Well… that grounded us all real quick. Thanks for ruining the fun, Miss Special.”
“At least she’s sad about that fact? Like… she’s not ‘yay I’m the only special one left now’.”
“Oh, you’re here, Nanaki. So… what’s your take on Tifa’s state right now?”
“I can see rainbows.”
“Uh…. I knew I forgot to warn you about the cookies.”
“The what? Well… I guess it makes sense, since Tifa isn’t smoking.”
“She sure has the munchies now, though.”
“I am going to eat all the cookies! MOUHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
“And then she’s going to throw them all back up again.”
“Wait, you’ve been here before?”
“And you can put two and two together. You impress me, SOLDIER boy.”
“No power stations will ever be safe again. Do it for the coal.”
“Do it because you care.”
“Do it for the materia.”
“I have to admit I love your jab against me by completely missing the point of Avalance to begin with.”
“…..”
“Well… not that I’d understand why anyone would think coal is a better option — well, it is, but only really, really marginally — than mako energy.”
“There’s more to this ninja than meets the eye.”
“Ninja is just a hobby. I major in science and biology.”
“See, now that’s the kind of people Avalance could use more of. Not just idiots with explosives.”
“Uh… maybe we should step aside for a bit. This sounds all kinds of private and awkward.”
“No, please stay. There is something we need to dive into, and we need at least two of you for that.”
“Party of three, huh? I think I can see where this is going.”
“But what does that have to do with my father?”
“Right. Tifa, it’s time to shake that high and punch it in the gut.”
“I am punch.”
“Nanaki, did you not warn them about the cookies?”
“I forgot, grandpa. Sorry.”
“I feel like that’s my job in a nutshell. Walk in front with my sword out.”
“OH NUDGE NUDGE WINK WINK SAY NO MORE!”
“I’m… going to refrain from asking you to embellish on that.”
“Yes, yes. Walk more, talk less.”
“Well, this is clearly a rabbit hole we won’t come back from unscathed.”
“And you’re complaining about this?”
“Nah, more like bored. Probably.”
“Oh boy, I think I know where you bake your cookies.”
“OH NUDGE NUDGE WINK WINK SAY NO MORE!”
“So… when will they be wearing off. Because I don’t know if I can take more of this.”
“She should be back to herself after a good night’s sleep.”
“And it will be the hardest night I’ve ever experienced.”
“OH… OH… SAAAAAY NO MOOOOOORE!”
“Why would you even… it’s a rock! It’s going to dent your sword. Dull your edge.”
“Who says I’m going to use the pointy end?”
“WIIIIIINK!”
“I have to stop doing that.”
“And these two agree with you.”
“Gi Spector? What did they do? Murder supermodels and imprison their wives?”
“In hindsight, not the best name for a ghostly being, right? Were the supposed to be known as ‘specters’, maybe?”
“I wonder if they’re full of regret. What’s your take, Tifa?”
“I think it’s punch ‘o clock.”
“Sounds great.”
“So… the only enemy that doesn’t look like a snake is called ‘sneky step’? How does THAT make any sense?”
“SneAKY step.”
“Well, if you can get behind a snek, you HAVE to be sneaky.”
“But the actual snakes are called ‘Heg’? …why?!”
“Hey, don’t ask me. I’ve never been here before.”
“Well, neither have I.”
“Seriously? But you’ve lived here in this town.”
“I thought it was just a fridge. And besides, I don’t have hands.”
“Victoly!”
“Yay victory stretch!”
“Hmm. Maybe Aeris had a point.”
“In fact, she has two OH NUDGE NUDGE!”
“One more day…. one….”
“You OK there, Cloud? You don’t look so good.”
“Damn it, Cloud. Wasn’t having to fight two wifebeaters enough? Now we have to fight three.”
“Sorry, man. When I see a rock, I just have to break it. I know I have a problem.”
“Uh… that’s… good.”
“…..”
“Yeah, I got nothing.”
“CLOUD! NO!”
“OH GOD SOMEONE HELP ME!”
“Oh. Nothing.”
“Weirdly enough, I feel kind of disappointed.”
“Oh, so it doesn’t have anything to do with mad record producers?”
“No, not at all.”
“And you didn’t say anything back then because….?”
“It was hilarious.”
“You have a very peculiar sense of humor.”
“Cloud… this needs to stop.”
“Oh, fine!”
“So…. why do I feel like I’m a contestant on a gameshow right now?”
“Well, we had to get our entertainment somehow.”
“You’re… uh, you’re kidding, right?”
“….yes.”
“That was a pause. Oh dear lord….”
“Ohohoho.”
“And you’re no help. Well… on matters that don’t require any punching, at least.”
“And if I choose the far right entrance, I return at the far left. Feels like a political statement, but what would I know about that?”
“That makes no sense to me, but at least you could eliminate two doors in one exploration hike.”
“It’s almost like you’d find the most sense in either the middle path, or the ones to the slight left or right. Sounds good to me.”
“Daddy Longlegs, is that you?”
“And this is a ghost of all the spiders that had their legs pulled off and then just left to starve to death, I assume?”
“Well… yes.”
“Oh wow, I can’t even be snarky about that. I mean… I’ve squashed my share of spiders, sometimes out of panic, but that’s…”
“Why is it called ‘Stinger’, though? I thought that was a bee thing?”
“Well, why don’t we ask the Fairy Ring?”
“Hey, remember those things we fought near the ruins of that exploded city?”
“Oh, definitely. Also, nice to see you return to normal again.”
“Yes, I feel a lot better now.”
“I envy you for your spiritual control.”
“Gagighandi? Shouldn’t they be more peaceful or something?”
“Are we sure that’s not Gigagandhi?”
“That’s a lot of Ghandi.”
“But more importantly, who equipped caterpillar threads on a two-horned triceratops.”
“Biceratops?”
“Biceratracks?”
“I smell a toy franchise.”
“Well…. this place is busted, let’s see if we can’t find anything useful here.”
“Maybe we coulda used that Biceratracks for something.”
“Well, we already have a car. And I don’t think it’ll fit.”
“Let’s just tow it for now. I’m sure we could’ve found something for it to do. Eventually.”
“Let’s hide.”
“But I want to slap her. Right in the face.”
“And I’m sure you’ll get that chance, but for now, we have more important things to focus on. So… hide?”
“Oh, fine! But only because it’s not punch ‘o clock yet.”
“Someone has seen Space Mutiny, clearly.”
“Did Slab Bulkhead say something?”
“Fridge Largemeat would disagree.”
“Good thing Splint Chesthair is clueless about things like that.”
“Blast Hardcheese shouldn’t be so quick to judge.”
“Buff Drinklots doesn’t have anything to add to the discussion, though.”
“Punch Rockgroin is going to go nuts if they don’t wrap it up soon. Or for the nuts. Or both, as you would.”
“Slake Fistcrunch need to turn it down, so Buff Hardback and Crunch Buttsteak don’t hear us.”
“Did Touch Rustrod say something?”
“Roll Fizzlebeef heard wrong and should focus on his job.”
“Big McLargeHuge gets to live another day.”
“Urgh! Don’t remind me. That’s just mean.”
“Why does Rufus even keep him on when he’s basically just about useless. And why are you looking at me like that?”
“Oh, nothing.”
“And Titan wasn’t good enough for them?”
“Eh, Titan’s low-end summon materia. It’s fine now, but eventually, we’ll only rely on it if a mob is weak against earth.”
“That’s how it goes, I guess.”
“It’s a sad world.”
“Well, let’s say farewell to this weirdly open field as we look back on Blast Hardcheese and his failed mission to find Big LargeHuge materia.”
“I don’t even want to think about what kind of summon you get with the Biglargehuge materia.”
“Well, anyway, who wants an X-potion.”
“I don’t even want to know what that potion does. If it ups cup sizes, I’d… rather not.”
“Hmmmm…..”
“And you! Don’t drink it.”
“I… I wasn’t going to.”
“I saw how you were staring at that bottle.”
“I’m a bit less entertained now.”
“OK, I can see where this is going.”
“Yeah, it’s not going to be a huge plot twist after that comment.”
“HA HA HA! ‘Turbo Ether’? Seriously? Wow, I take back that ‘X-Potion’ sounded like the dumbest name ever. Turbo Ether? When will we be getting Super Ultra Maxi Force Ether Plus in our chests?”
“We are traversing the cave of 12 year olds, aren’t we?”
“Boss introduced with poetry. You’re an artist, Grandpa Bugenhagen. You’re a genius.”
“Why, thank you. Now, are you ready to fight the critic?”
“Yes, let us fight Floating Samurai Man Ghost.”
“Sounds like the perfect time to whip out that materia we got in Blownup City, because that’ll teach that asshole to interrupt my grandpa’s conversation.”
“And it’s called ‘Anger of the Land’ too. As if you weren’t a big enough weird Native American stereotype as it is.”
“What’s ‘America’?”
“Dunno. Just a thought I had.”
“Now, there is Mr. Big LargeHuge.”
“Butch SlabLift.”
“Punch RockFist.”
“Well… it’s dead, whatever that was.”
“The Gi Legion? The one that is many.”
“Or the many that are one. Apparently.”
“Anti legion.”
“Oof. I’ve earned this.”
“Hey, let me try too.”
“Uh….”
“And arms up and to the back. Shoot your chest forward.”
“Kitty aerobics. That’s adorable.”
“I’m the cutest mofo in town.”
“Uh…”
“Yes, the thing you started on before Mr. Rude Samurai interrupted us.”
“I’m just curious why this information requires Nanaki to be strong, though. Like physically strong rather than mentally.”
“I can be both, you know.”
“It’s so light.”
“If we use this, can we make the mobs fall upwards?”
“INTO SPACE?!”
“Uh… if you want to.”
“Yep!”
“This is about to get really ridiculous, isn’t it?”
“Uh… dad?”
“Well, I didn’t expect him to be so… petrified.”
“Or so… penetrated.”
“Uh… by spears.”
“Well, I’m glad we’re all taking the dignified approach here.”
“Even when he couldn’t move at all, he protected this canyon.”
“Even when he looked more like a hedgehog.”
“And he even protected them all after the Gi ran away.”
“Not that he had much choice in the matter. What with… you know, the whole petrification thing.”
“One question, Mr. Bugenhagen, and I swear it’s not a tactless one.”
“OK? Let’s hear it.”
“WHY?! Like… you all knew, except Nanaki. Why didn’t you tell him?! He grew up hating his father, and I’m pretty sure you noticed. Why did you agree that he wouldn’t be allowed to learn about the sacrifice his father made to keep you all safe? Why did anyone think that would be a great idea?”
“Well, it seemed like a great idea at the time.”
“No, it didn’t!”
“Yeah, sure. I mean… I’m not all that happy with you right now. This… this absurd reason to…”
“Cloud, let’s just step outside… well, inside… to cool down a bit.
“That makes no sense either.”
“There, there. Save it for when it’s happy hour and punch ‘o clock.”
“That sounds kinda depressing, Grandpa. Coupled with the fact that you and mom made the choice to let me live with my somewhat false assumption about my father, I’m not sure what to think right now.”
“Yes, well, I just started thinking, so….”
“OK, I can do that.”
“That’s good, my lad. Besides, we can’t break up a good party.”
“Man, I’m going to tell you. You are going to get so told.”
“We shall shout it from the mountaintops, like we were two actors in an inspirational video.”
“You’re…”
“Uh… dad? You’re kind of crying me a river here. Aren’t you supposed to be petrified?”
“…..”
“Dad, please… please stop. You’re embarrassing me here.”
“And so goes the story of the father that wasn’t a coward after all, and the mystery of why that had to be kept a secret instead of being a backstory for a proud son. Some mysteries aren’t written in stone, at least not in such a metaphorical way. Where do we go from here?”
“Shouldn’t we wait for Nanaki? He might be crying up a storm right now.”
“Yeah, given what his jackass mother and grandfather did, that wouldn’t surprise me.”
“Uh… what the heck happened in there?”
“Revisionism, that’s what. The worst kind.”
“I’ll… uh, take your word for it.”