Let’s Plays of the North presents……
“Space, the final frontier. This is the story of the Starship Angsterprice, here to explore new regions of main characteritude and set some trends that will annoy people for years on end.”
“For it was in those days, an event was set in motion that would get people talking, arguing and flaming for years and years. And the RPG world would never be the same again.”
“And one thing is quite clear in the midst of all this….”
“I’m not sure I like where this is going.”
“Shush. Anyway, as I said, one thing is quite clear in the mid-.”
“I REALLY don’t like where this is going.”
“Look… we all know it’s going to happen. At this point, you don’t go to watch the movie ‘Titanic’, and then act all surprised when the ship goes down. Or go watch a Star Wars movie — original trilogy, of course, and preferably the ‘Han just shot Greedo’ version without the dodgy CGI — and act all surprised about Darth Vader’s big reveal. Anyway, I digress. Where were we?”
*sigh* “One thing is quite clear. As you were.”
“Right.”
“For there is no love in the big city, sometimes a bit too literally so. And there is no life that can’t be saved by a good Phoenix Down but one. And none of you saw it at the time, because who could?”
Gritty Fantasy VII: Too Cool For School!
Chapter 1: Aren’t We All Just a Bunch of Terrorists?
“Hey! Guard!”
“What? Don’t interrupt my incredibly boring guard duty, please.”
“Did you hire me just so you’d have someone to call ‘newcomer’? Because given the team you’ve assembled so far, that’s just all kinds of sad.”
“Quiet, sucka! Or I’ll eat your… pancreas.”
“Yay one of the oldest memes ever. I am really getting the full package here.”
“Now THIS is a knife. That is to say, it’s really a sword, but WHAT a sword. Eh? Eh?”
“Please kill me now.”
“……”
“Wait, I take that back.”
“Too late.”
“Man, he really knows how to swing that ridiculous sword, doesn’t he?”
“Wow, that was…” *urp* “…that was kind of violent, wasn’t it?”
“Man, that was cool, Cloud. Bam! Stab! Right in the kisser!”
“…….”
“It’s always the quiet ones.”
“I will never be able to sleep right next to him again. And it’s not because he snores.”
“Normally, yes. But I’m EX soldier. Very important distinction to make.”
“Wow! The ‘EX’ thing just make it EX…tra cool.”
“Thank you, weird guy. Now, please remain where I can see you at all times.”
“He is indeed EX Soldier. His survival instincts are impeccable.”
“So cool!”
“Seriously, I am NOT telling you my name. The last thing I need in my life are weird stalkers who won’t take ‘no’ for an answer.”
“But we have to move in a group. It’s the JRPG way.”
“Hell are you on, boy?!”
“Besides, if this had been an older story, we’d all be walking in a perfect line like a bunch of weirdoes.”
“Speaking of which….”
“Yes, I know, Ronfar, but… it’s not like we have to leave right away. I mean… don’t you guys have something you want to do here before we leave, instead of following behind me like a bunch of creepy millitant Gradius options?
“Nope.”
“I’m fine here at the back.”
“But I’ve always been right behind you.”
“I know. I just… the longer this line gets, the weirder it feels. What will people think?”
“Well…. let’s count our blessings and move on.”
“So this is the popstand we’re going to blow… up, huh?”
“I don’t like it when you say it like that. But yes.”
“Oh, good. I found the entrance for intruders. We should be fine if we enter through here, right?”
“No, that’s… are you acting dumb on purpose? I still haven’t paid you, you know.”
“The dogs I get… tentacles aside, but what the hell are those floaty things? Also with tentacles, if short ones.”
“Duh!”
“So you keep telling me. But that doesn’t mean you got the company tour. Or that you come across as a scientist or company worker.”
“Well, neither do you.”
“I’m here to blow this place up. I’m allowed to look completely ridiculous.”
“Yes. We ridiculous-looking people must stick together.”
“Quiet, foo’! I might be someone almost DARING people not to name me Mr. T, but at least I’m not smaller than my weapon.”
“Ohoho, was that a double entendre?”
“….you’re walking in front of me, boy. At all times.”
“Yeah, I bet you’d like that.”
“I can’t win, whatever I choose.”
“All of them? Except us?”
“Yep.”
“….uh.”
“Yep.”
“Whatever you’re paying me, it’s not going to be enough.”
“Some companies give their workers health care. Shinra gives you a phoenix down and asks you to work yourself to death.”
“……”
“Those were the days.”
“Great job. You push buttons well.”
“The bar is pretty low these days, isn’t it?”
“But at least the health benefits are great.”
“Oh?”
“Yes. We get two phoenix downs per day.”
“…I almost respected the giant doofus for a second there. Thanks for setting me straight.”
“Are you trying to out-edgy your sword, sucka?! Because that is a lot of pragmatic for such a little man.”
“I can’t help it if I don’t like blowing up places in acts that won’t help anyone in the long run. But you’re paying me, so… you’re the boss, I guess.”
“Why does Shinra even give their turrets ears? Are they seriously trying to make them too cute for me to kill? Because it’s not working.”
“And this guy calls me a cynic. The guy who replaced one of his hands with a barrel machine gun.”
“I didn’t replace anything. I lost my hand, and then had the gun mounted on as an afterthought.”
“Oh. Well, that’s… dark.”
“I gotta press on, I guess. So if I press X to grab on, what do I press to get off?”
“Was that… was that a double entendre?”
“Not a whole lot of people know, but I’m quite the ladies’ man.”
*SNRK*
“Yes. Boy, do I feel like I’m watching that Biggus Dingus scene in Life of Brian right now.”
“Weee, look at me, having mastered climbing ladders. Do I get any experience points for this? Any extra agility points?”
“What do you think this is? An Elder Scrolls game?”
“So hey, there are ladders that lead up to pipes, as if this company expects you to treat them as viable walkways. Safety precautions are kind of loose in this place, aren’t they?”
“About that… you still have that Phoenix Down, right?”
“Or, failing that, how about a save point. Or a restore materia. There are so many ways to save your little broken body when something goes wrong.”
“Pull nothing? Like what? My back? Don’t worry about that. I’m young.”
“No, that’s not what I mean, foo’! I mean that you don’t double-cross us.”
“Why would I even do that? If I was in Soldier still, I’d be here already to stop you. In this case, infiltration would be too much of a hassle, since I already know what you’re aiming for.”
“Stop being all logical and stuff. I just need to act like I don’t trust you, OK?”
“What?! What what what?”
“Don’t just stand there staring. We got things to blow up.”
“But… the voice in my head….”
“Don’t ask me about YOUR voice. The only thing MY voice in MY head tells me is to blow things up.”
“You scare me sometimes.”
“I don’t want to hear that from you.”
“Well, that is certainly an ‘it’.”
“Shut up and fight!”
“What? I’m sure if we ask very nicely…”
“Ah, yes, sarcasm. We got plenty of time for that now.”
“You need to go back to school. If I cared about sentence structure, I’d do as you say and attack. And then, as you pointed out, we’d reap our laser-based rewards.”
“Don’t you talk to me about school, sucka! I’m leaving that to Marlene.”
“Oh? Well, then, live with your failures, then.”
“No, wait!”
“Attack while it’s tail is up! Attack it while it’s tail is up! Attack it while it’s tail is up! AND IT’S ‘ITS’! ‘ITS TAIL’! You go back to school right now, and you get right to that corner of shame with your dunce cap on.”
“Oh, like you’re one to talk.”
“Oh, quiet, you. Don’t break up my narration.”
“Oof, a tail attack to the groin. I’d like the lasers back now.”
“I disagree. I am greatly entertained.”
“Well, let’s see how much it enjoys a big shot to the face.”
“……”
“Uh… let me rephrase that.”
“Too late. Ohohoho.”
“There we go. One dead mecha scorpion.”
“And all it took was a big load to the face.”
“I hate you.”
“Well, as long as you don’t shoot me in the face because of it.”
“Erm…. so… why would you NOT want to take everything when you murder the heck out of whoever’s been holding that everything?”
“I ‘unno. I always just take it all.”
“And that’s what it’s all about.”
“Wait, just because we took everything?”
“No, that’s the bomb I set. We have ten minutes.”
“Until what?”
“It’s a bomb. What do you think will happen?”
“……”
“……”
“So…. run?”
“Run.”
“Was ‘fight more’ a part of that plan too?”
“No. And why do they all go for my crotch.”
“I have a very hard time believing you are NOT doing this on purpose.”
“….oh, goddamn it!”
“Well, we made it out with time to spare. So… what now?”
“Now, we reap the reward.”
“Which iiiis?”
“BOOM! OH YEAH!”
“Right. I shoulda stood with my back towards the explosion for maximum cool points. I just don’t want Barret’s Big Shot revenge.”
“You’ve clearly done lots of research on this. Can you explain?”
“No!”
“We just set a whole block on fire. So, yes, I want a divorce. Was it worth it, Barret? Was it worth it?!”
“The hell is he on?”
“Don’t ask.”
“Still loveless on the streets of Midgar. What does a guy have to do to get some action around here?”
*phew* “Well, she’s safe. Anyway, as I was saying…. what does a guy have to do to get some action around here? Jeez, this city really is loveless.”
“That sounds kind of familiar. This person would be a perfect fit for the doofuses that hired me.”
“Theeere we go. Finally some action. Good things come to the patient.”
“Stand still now, we’ll make this quick.”
“I got all the time in the world, boys.”
“Well, we were gonna shoot you anyway.”
“Pfft, I know someone who knows how to make a Big Shot!”
“Did… did he just insult us?”
“Did he… did he also just jump down on a long train arriving out of a tunnel? That’s gotta be an euphemism.”
*sigh* “I keep saying I want some action, but when someone actually gives me some, I chicken out and jump off the… well, metaphorical train. And onto the literal one. What does a guy have to do to make any sense around here?”
“Uh… Wedge, that’s… an unfortunate choice of words considering what I just did.”
“Cloud! You came after all.”
“Erm… no, I’m afraid to say I chickened out when I had the chance.”
“Boy, am I glad I’m not a mind reader right now, because I don’t even wanna know.”
“That’s my name. Don’t… uh, don’t wear it on your T-shirts. Please.”
“Dear Lord, no. If you guys even THINK about doing that, I will fire you. Or fire at you, depending on my mood.”
“Awwwww.”
“Nope.”
“W-what? But you were supposed to… but I can’t guilt trip you with anything if you just admit it.”
“So?”
“But… but we got more places to blow up.”
“Well, you know what that means.”
“That I need to come up with new ways to guilt-trip you into saving the planet?”
“Uh…. no. And no again. And furthermore, no.”
“…you all were kindergarten teachers before you became terrorists, weren’t you?”
“Uh….”
“Well… yes.”
“I was a secretary. Because that’s the extent of Shinra’s career options for women who aren’t named Scarlet.”
“I was a councelor. As you can probably tell, Shinra had no need for any of that.”
“Well, I’m sure your abilities were appreciated all the more in Avalance, then.”
“…….”
“You and me both, pal. We ride with a group of complete lunatics.”
“Hey!”
“I’M the one who’s acting like a kid? I’m going to remind you of that when we’re blowing up the next place, and you start jumping up and down to the explosion like an excited kid.”
“But that is awesome. I’m allowed to.”
“Ooooh, you shouldn’t have said that, sir. That is a death flag if I ever heard one.”
“But I’m not going to retire tomorrow.”
“Oh, yes you are. And not in a way you are going to enjoy. The card has been played now, and there’s no takebacks.”
“Uh…. bombs and monitors, and the common element is ‘flashy’. You must be a fun lady on Saturday evenings. Makes me have some second thoughts about looking for some action.”
“Well, there’s always the monitors. They aren’t THAT liable to blow up in your face.”
“Do I even want to know what you like to watch on these monitors?”
“Desperate Housewives most of the time.”
“I’ll… uh, I’ll be at the back of the train if you need me. I promise.”
“Just kidding. I watched CSI just like every other girl in my school.”
“And that’s weirdly enough a relief.”
“Yeah, that sounds like places I’d like to spend my twilight years. Places whose name nobody can be bothered to remember.”
“It’s a rather overt anti-city commentary, isn’t it?”
“More like an anti-metropolitan government corporate culture thing.”
“How complicated.”
“Well, I’m a complicated man.”
“Uh…. like us?”
“Sssssh.”
“Well, we just returned from blowing something up that is definitely going to inconvenience the people we’re fighting for rather than… well, ones with lots of money.”
“Yeah, but we’re doing this for the planet!”
“I guess you guys don’t really think a lot of your PR problems, do you?”
“Sssssh.”
“Really? I heard the waiting list to move into the slums was bigger than your mom’s list of prospective partners.”
“I’m… not sure if you just downplayed people wanting to live in the slums or if you just insulted my mom quite mightily.”
“And I wouldn’t want it any other way.”
“Oh, yes, the mission was a GREAT success. I had a weird acid trip and heard voices, and we watched an explosion happen. Oh, and I watched Barret get stabbed in the groin by a giant mecha scorpion. That’s the definition of success right there.”
“Clearly, I’m the one who has missed out on this mission.”
“KISS HER, YOU FOOL!”
“You’re the second person to tell me to butt out during the last ten minutes. There’s no need to be that uptight, man. Also, I had some front row seats to that bombing, my good man. If the voices inside my head had just shut up when the good stuff happened, that would have been a five star event to be sure.”
“Yep, that’s one big weak spot, alright. I can definitely see how that ominous statement will come back and bite us on the ass later on. But for now, I’ll enjoy the sight of this giant pillar with a glowy spot and the smaller pillars surrounding it. And the ladder leading up said pillars.”
“……”
“I’m not looking forward to climbing that ladder, though. It’s going to happen, just you wait.”
“Well, thank you, Mr. Butt Out. And if that isn’t your name, I do hope it wasn’t a command. Or an expectation.”
“What? Are you saying that people randomly blowing stuff up might be…. bad?!”
“Oh? Most of my drinks I have to actually grab the glass and move it to my lips to drink. If bars have managed to create a drink that sneaks into you, your tab will never see the end of.”
“You’re not my real dad.”
“Marlene!”
“Well, I’m not.”
“Cloud! Also, that’s not the point. She was supposed to welcome you back after a night of nice work.”
“We blew something up. Your definition of ‘nice’ is somewhat questionable.”
“Well, it will also be the last time I ever try to bolster your ego.”
“I’m completely emotionally uninvested. I don’t have an ego that can be hurt.”
“That’s what you think.”
“Or just plain rude. But that’s OK.”
“So much for my family roleplaying.”
“You got some weird tastes.”
“Well, don’t worry, Tifa. Here’s Barret to save the day and your oddball little fantasies.”
“You jerk! Also, ew!”
“Barret, you watch your mouth around children! What are you, a pimp now?”
“The heck you talkin’ about, sucka?! And who brought Marlene to our meeting?”
“Erm…..”
“OK, this is starting to sound wrong, even to me.”
“He’s the one who wants to own my ass.”
“He didn’t mean that literally.”
“…..”
“I think.”
“And now you’re springing THIS on me? Clearly, my existence is limited to when I jumped off a train some hours ago. Why would you expect me to remember anything from further back, unless…. uh oh.”
“Oh yes, what can be more scary than one’s past, especially if one does not remember it. Because when memories are gone and you’re dependent on the words of a weird lady with unusual family roleplaying interests, it’s going to be… elaborate and fantastical.”
“Well, you’re not even close to the first person who has all but dared me to make a ‘that’s what she said’ joke. I mean… what the hell did we do at that tower?”
“We talked.”
“Is it weird that I’m kinda disappointed about that?”