Chapter 8: Where is the what if the what is in why?
Ok, I’m apparently in a castle high above the mountain peaks. Did the villains in this place decide to get together and pool their WTFage into one big ball of insanity?
Well, we’re already off to a good start with skeletons and more great balls of pink fire. I can already tell I’m going to enjoy this lots.
Well, this is going strangely smoothly. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all.
OH GOD, THE BITTER TASTE OF CRUSHING DEFEAT AND UNDIGNIFYING AGONY! The pain… the horror…
Never mind. I can still do this. Thread cautiously, and everything will be fine.
See? Nothing too bad so far, and the rocks aren’t as bad as long as you stay on your guard.
Even the… Christ, how many balls does this place have? Anyway, even those don’t concern me anymore.
Aaaah, that smooth sensation. It feels like… silk.
What the hell was that all about? Some blue stuff and a 500 Zenny coin. And the old guy in stone. It woulda sounded poetic if it wasn’t so blatantly weird.
Move aside, old man, and let me have that hidden wallradish there.
Ok, I’m on a roll now. Let no wizards — thankfully orange this time — or rocks get in my way now.
Oh, for the… more pink ninja? This is getting ridiculous.
Snakes and ninja, ninja and snakes. I don’t want any goddamn snakes on my goddamn ninja. No wait, that came out wrong. In more ways than one.
Ugh, I can’t believe I let those things degrade my armor that far. Good thing there was an armor-replenishing secret some ways back.
Hmm. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m starting to get so ridiculously rich now that I’m not sure I need to fight this dragon. I could probably just buy my own land already and populate it with all these strange, identical old men. And it really scares me that it actually sounds like a really neat idea at this point.
A rose is a rose is a rose. Even if it bursts up from the ground and tries to swallow you.
I’m sure there is a lesson in there somewhere.
Oh, the itching. Oh, yeah, that feels better.
Figures that the cheap sorcerer bastard would only appear inside solid stone. Not that I’m lacking for gold or anything, so I’ll just grab this armor-replenishing strawberry and be on my way.
Coming up on the last stretch, we have another pink Michelin Man and a demon ball. Gee, now he’s just throwing his reserves at me.
…aaand another pink ninja. Is it even possible to be more desperate?
Ah, of course. A pink ninja between some indestructible spinning skulls. Nice try, but I shall not be stopped. I am on FIRE now.
Oh dear, that’s just bad timing on the part of the skeleton, coming up right underneath a falling boulder. Such a shame.
Oh hey, it’s a store. Good thing too, since I was all out of armor and all. How convenient.
What the… the guy just re-stones himself? That’s just… weird.
Finally. The Black Dragon. You shall fall!
*oof* You’re a tough, ol’ bastard, ain’t ya? I guess they didn’t call you the… uh… what DO they call you anyway?
Hell YES! Victory is mine. Now, which embarrassing pose should I try now?
Ok, I guess I’ll start with just raising my weapon in the air just before I jump, like I usually do.
Wait, what’s going on? Superior skills? Awesome weapons? Yeah, sure, that’s true and all, but… um, “three dangerous dragons”? The first one was hardly dangerous, you know. And what’s with the light?
I haven’t returned anything. All I did was run around and smack stuff around until it crumbled in a heap of its own failures. As far as peace and prosperity goes, that depends on what you idiots will do now that the dragons aren’t literally breathing down your necks.
Strength? Sure, fair enough. Wisdom? If I had enough smarts, I would have stayed the hell away from this crazy place. I feel like I just took part in the clone wars or something, and that’s not a good sign. Do you hear me?
Oh well, at least I landed me a cute girl around half my size, so I might as well just make this place my kingdom. And the first thing to go will be those bone things from the beginning of my quest. And wearing pink is heretofore illegal, and punishable by swift and crushing death. I’ve already made several examples to that. Hmm, what else… oh, I’m going to assign a development team to create ladders and stairways for these lands. Christ, I didn’t figure that this would be such a fixer-upper. Oh well, go on. Write your initials on the highscore table. Your role in this is over now, so go. Go on.
And so, this tale came to an end. Noone is entirely sure what became of these lands, since this game never had a sequel. Considering what happened to Rastan Saga, maybe that was a good thing. In any case, thanks for reading and have a good night.